Tough love is an expression used when someone treats another person harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run.

In most uses, there must be some actual love or feeling of affection behind the harsh or stern treatment to be defined as tough love. For example, genuinely concerned parents refusing to support their drug-addicted child financially until he or she enters drug rehabilitation would be said to be practicing tough love.

The rise in numbers of death of teenagers participating in tough love–based programs has questioned the principle of tough love.

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The Trouble With Tough Love

By Maia Szalavitz
Sunday, January 29, 2006

As a former addict, who began using cocaine and heroin in late adolescence, I have never understood the logic of tough love. I took drugs compulsively because I hated myself, because I felt as if no one -- not even my family -- would love me if they really knew me. Drugs allowed me to blot out that depressive self-focus and socialize as though I thought I was okay.

How could being "confronted" about my bad behavior help me with that? Why would being humiliated, once I'd given up the only thing that allowed me to feel safe emotionally, make me better? My problem wasn't that I needed to be cut down to size; it was that I felt I didn't measure up.

In fact, fear of cruel treatment kept me from seeking help long after I began to suspect I needed it. My addiction probably could have been shortened if I'd thought I could have found care that didn't conform to what I knew was (and sadly, still is) the dominant confrontational approach.

Fortunately, the short-term residential treatment I underwent was relatively light on confrontation, but I still had to deal with a counselor who tried to humiliate me by disparaging my looks when I expressed insecurity about myself.

The trouble with tough love is twofold. First, the underlying philosophy -- that pain produces growth -- lends itself to abuse of power. Second, and more important, toughness doesn't begin to address the real problem. Troubled teenagers aren't usually "spoiled brats" who "just need to be taught respect." Like me, they most often go wrong because they hurt, not because they don't want to do the right thing. That became all the more evident to me when I took a look at who goes to these schools.

A surprisingly large number are sent away in the midst of a parental divorce; others are enrolled for depression or other serious mental illnesses. Many have lengthy histories of trauma and abuse. The last thing such kids need is another experience of powerlessness, humiliation and pain.

Sadly, tough love often looks as if it works: For one thing, longitudinal studies find that most kids, even amongst the most troubled, eventually grow out of bad behavior, so the magic of time can be mistaken for the magic of treatment. Second, the experience of being emotionally terrorized can produce compliance that looks like real change, at least initially.

The bigger picture suggests that tough love tends to backfire. My recent interviews confirm the findings of more formal studies. The Justice Department has released reports comparing boot camps with traditional correctional facilities for juvenile offenders, concluding in 2001 that neither facility "is more effective in reducing recidivism." In late 2004, the National Institutes of Health released a "state of the science" consensus statement, concluding that "get tough" treatments "do not work and there is some evidence that they may make the problem worse." Indeed, some young people leave these programs with post-traumatic stress disorder and exacerbations of their original problems.

These strict institutional settings work at cross-purposes with the developmental stages adolescents go through. According to psychiatrists, teenagers need to gain responsibility, begin to test romantic relationships and learn to think critically. But in tough programs, teenagers' choices of activities are overwhelmingly made for them: They are not allowed to date (in many, even eye contact with the opposite sex is punished), and they are punished if they dissent from a program's therapeutic prescriptions. All this despite evidence that a totally controlled environment delays maturation.

Why is tough love still so prevalent? The acceptance of anecdote as evidence is one reason, as are the hurried decisions of desperate parents who can no longer find a way of communicating with their wayward kids. But most significant is the lack of the equivalent of a Food and Drug Administration for behavioral health care -- with the result that most people are unaware that these programs have never been proved safe or effective. It's part of what a recent Institute of Medicine report labeled a "quality chasm" between the behavioral treatments known to work and those that are actually available. So parents rely on hearsay -- and the word of so-called experts.

Unfortunately, in the world of teen behavioral programs, there are no specific educational or professional requirements. Anyone can claim to be an expert.

In the late 1970s, government leaders were desperately seeking remedies for the nation's soaring crime rate. One solution, inspired in part by the tough love message coming from mental health professionals, was to establish military-style boot camps where harsh discipline and strict regimens would set people straight. The first adult camps were established in 1983, and by the end of the decade, at least 15 states had opened or were developing similar camps for either adults or juveniles.

Although initial reports were encouraging, by the mid-1990s troubling stories began to appear about abuse and sadism at the camps. In 1998 five staff members at a boot camp in Arizona -- including the camp nurse -- were indicted in connection with the death of a 16-year-old inmate. At the time of his death, his body was covered with cuts and bruises -- 71 in all. The camp was eventually shut down, and 16 of its staff members were added to the state's registry of child abusers.

The biggest problem with boot camps, however, is that they just don't do the job. Recidivism of 60 percent or more is common -- as high as, or higher than, recidivism rates generated through more benign programs. Experts on learning have long known that harsh discipline mainly teaches people to be harsh themselves -- and to hate their abusers -- but that message is getting through only belatedly to the boot camp advocates. As the head of a National Institutes of Health panel that studied "get tough" programs nationwide summed it up a few months ago: "All the evaluations have shown tough love programs don't work."

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I found this article to be very enlightening. I myself have never been a believer in tough love. I think it is an excuse or justification to be harsh and demeaning to somebody under the disguise of caring and concern. Treating another with dignity and respect goes a heck of a lot further in my book especially when dealing with a child or a unruly teenager. It works in dealing with people in general too.

Tough love most times in my opinion just makes the situation worse. If somebody is hurting and acting out in a negative manner, the tough love approach is only going to do further damage by making them hurt even more. Being honest and upfront with them does not equal the right to be harsh or rude to them. If the tough love approach is used on a individual that is already in pain, you are going to make the situation much worse and further more you will have lost the trust of that individual. Do you think they will ever have trust and faith in you that you won't hurt them again when they need you the most?

For a child or teenager who is approached with the tough love attitude, most likely it is going to get just the opposite results than you were expecting. Compliance is temporary and in most cases the situation will get alot worse than it will better. What the child needs is love, sweet love. As the song goes. That and a good dose of respectful and dignified communication. It isn't a one way street. Communication means it is a give and take meaning you need both participants for it to be an effective communication with one another.  

There's an old saying that goes, "You draw more flies with honey than with vinegar." The basic idea is that being nice is much more likely to get you what you want than being rude. I have come across people in the workplace who like using the tough love philosophy when dealing with all others. They feel it is their right to not pussyfoot around and mince words. Just tell it like it is whether other people want to hear it or not. The problem is that it rarely works to their advantage and it causes unnecessary frustration when they don't get the results they expected to get in the end.

Upon observing this technique as a bystander, it has become evident to me that those individuals would prefer others to treat them in that regard and not mince words because it works for them. They understand it better and would prefer people to be direct and to the point with them. No fluff just give it to me straight. Because it is the way they want to be treated, it probably does not even occur to them that other people will not respond well to this type of communication.

I've observed the effects of this in support groups before. So many times women who have been abused who are hurting have been told by her family or spouse, "Why can't you just let it go and forget about it? Why do you have to drag it up when it happened a long time ago?" To them it may seem simple to just forget about it and let it go. If only it were so simply as to just block it out and forget it ever happened. Those words, by the family member, that are intended to be helpful to the survivor, in the long run, it may actually hurt more. The survivor has a hard time even admitting the abuse to herself much less others, she needs to be validated in that she was not to blame for the abuse, and most likely she feels guilty for even having feelings and emotions that she needs to work through in order to feel healthy and whole. What she hears is "You are bringing this on yourself and causing the pain to yourself." What the survivor needs is loving support and encouragement in order to heal from the lasting effects of abuse.

This is the case in most situations. I find love and kindness is the key to getting the results you desire. Just like those kids who are in trouble and acting out negatively. Imagine what love and compassion could do for them. I'm not saying to let a child walk all over you and to take control of the situation. You are the parent and you have to give and teach them responsibility and accountability for their actions, along with plenty of doses of love and compassion. Respect goes a long way especially if it is mutual. Give kids their dignity and they will respond in a dignified manner.

What about a friend who asks you your opinion on a dress she has taken the time to carefully pick out and has now chosen to wear on an important first date. It may be the most hideous piece of fabric disguised as a dress you have ever seen in your life, which is not becoming on her at all. It doesn't flatter her and it makes her look dumpy and unattractive. Do you say to her... "You're wearing that ugly rag? Are you fricken crazy? It makes you look like one of the seven dwarfs Dopey and the Ogre rolled into one balled up mess!"

No, you wouldn't say that to her, would you? After all she is your friend and although you want to be honest and help her look her best you aren't going to hurt her feelings intentionally are you? You could say something like, "I think the black dress you have would look much better on you and it would go great with your earrings and that cute little necklace you have. You will knock his sock off with that dress!"

You have given your honest opinion, helped her to pick out something that will look much better on her and did it in a way that was respectful. Your friend's dignity is still intact and you weren't hurtful to her.

Many times when I was a manager in a call center I would have to coach and develop associates for bad behavior. At times I had to discuss with them unpleasant things such as behaviors or attitudes they were displaying that were not productive to providing excellent customer service to our callers. In these situations, it is necessary to be very tactful in choosing the right words that would get my point across yet at the same time being respectful and allowing the associate to keep their dignity. Above all the goal was to end the conversation with them walking away feeling good about themselves and wanting to make the changes needed to turn the behavior around from being negative to positive.

I have to say that in learning to do this tactfully, it gave me experience in how to communicate more effectively with people in general. It also showed me that the old saying is very much alive and true. You do get much better results with honey than vinegar.

Have a great week. Take care of yourselves and each other. Spread some kindness and love. It goes a long way.

Bear Hugs,

PolarB ;)