The Inner Sanctum... by PolarB

As many of you already know this, I am the lover and wife of my beautiful life partner Lovie for nearly 25 years. This year we will celebrate a milestone, our 25th anniversary will be in November 2008. In light of the approaching Valentines Day I thought I would take a break and tell you about how I met the great love of my life. Some of you may have already read this in a long ago previous post, so just bare with me. It is a love story worth repeating. Lovie is and will always be the great love of my life. She is my soulmate, my lover, my wife, my protector, my best friend and she means everything to me. Let me take you on a little journey into our life. We met way back in the summer of 83...

I remember it like yesterday.....

Believe it or not, I was engaged to.... Gasp!!! Ye Gads!!... a MAN! Yes, you heard me correctly.... I was barely 19 years old and trying to fit into a mold of everyone else's expectations.... you know... the "Master Plan" that I'm talking about? You go to school, you graduate, then you find someone who is respectable and get married, settle down and start a family, pop out a bunch of skittles and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.....

Well, yours truly here had found a suitable suitor and was about to take the big plunge. This feller and I were in the midst of planning a huge wedding and in order to get money for the wedding, I took a job working at a local hobby shop that specialized in model airplanes and cars. It was a small business that didn't pay much but it helped me to save enough for the wedding and have a little extra money for me on the side.

The second week I was there working, I saw a woman come in who had been on vacation. I was immediately fascinated by her. I asked who she was and I made it a point to introduce myself to her. She had a great sense of humor and I thought she was very attractive. I immediately felt like I should get to know her better. ((Attention... gaydar alert had just popped up and my antenna had pointed in her direction...))

In the meantime, I was still planning the wedding and my guy’s best friend decided to throw us a party for our engagement. The best friend decided to have it at his mother’s residence, so we went over there to meet them. Jane and Annie were a lesbian couple and it was the first time I had met an actual gay couple who lived together that were out and comfortable with their sexuality. That fascinated me.

I remember getting a little too intoxicated and dancing for Jane outside in their backyard. I don't know if anyone else noticed, but I was definitely flirting with her. I know... shame on me, but I was young and intoxicated, so give me some slack. There were a few times that the subject of homosexuality came up however it was mostly in regards to Alan. His aunt told me they were so glad he was finally getting married because they had suspicions that he may have been gay! My God... if they only knew! I myself thought Alan may have been inclined to have gay experiences also from some of the things he told me, but I never really questioned it and I certainly never said anything about my own thoughts of my own sexuality.

We ended up going to another party at a gay bar with Alan’s friends he worked with along with Jane and Annie. That was my first time in a gay bar and I was comfortable there. It was more of a biker type bar than an all lesbian bar, and there was an all girl band playing music. I was totally into it enjoying myself and having a looky-loo around. I got into some interesting conversations with a few of Jane’s friends.

I asked this one older woman "How do you meet women or know who is gay." She said- "You just know…" She didn't really get a chance to elaborate because Alan came over to steer me away from her. I don't know if Alan thought she was trying to pick me up…but I was disappointed because I was just looking for answers.

I started getting to know the woman at my work a little bit better. We would talk and joke around a lot. We used to laugh so hard until tears would roll down our cheeks at silly little things. Everything just seemed to crack us up. My stomach muscles used to just ache because we had laughed so hard. But it felt good and she made me feel good inside. She had the most beautiful eyes that I loved looking into when she smiled and laughed. It’s a wonder we didn't get fired for carrying on so much and laughing. People would just look at us strangely and that made us laugh even harder.

I figured out that she was living with another woman and that she wasn't really happy in the relationship. I was very attracted to her and I told her I was interested in her. She told me I didn't know what I was talking about- she said you don't even know what being with a woman is like- how do you know you would like it? I think she was trying to not get involve or discourage me because I was supposed to be getting married soon.

I was falling in love with her and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in a constant state of arousal and just being near her sent me soaring. We did not talk of anything even remotely sexual or nothing that could be considered a turn on and I was going absolutely crazy inside. My hormones were kicked into high gear and I was so sexually charged by just being in the same room with her. She gave me that nice butterfly feeling in my stomach when I looked into her beautiful brown eyes. That is the precise feeling where you know in your heart that there is something definitely more to this. I had never had feelings like this in my life before I met her and I knew it was so right. It wasn't just lust, it was love.

She tried to put me off and tell me that I didn't know what I wanted. Oh I knew what I wanted all right and it was her. She said to me- you go out and try it and see if you like it. She never imagined that I would actually do that, so that's what I did. I went to a bar with someone I knew, who was a friend that wanted to experience what it would be like to be with another woman, we had talked about it many times before, so we ended up trying it out. Definitely not the same thing as what I felt for the woman at work but it was enough to know that I definitely wanted to be with a woman and it felt right to me.

I went back and told her the next day- Well I tried it and I liked it so, yes, I do want to be with you. Her mouth about dropped to the floor. Well me... I don't waste no time... I go out and git er done! I told her that I was falling in love with her. She told me she would not get involved with me if I was still involved with Alan. I told her I respected that and it wasn't a problem.

Alan, needless to say, was not happy when I broke it off with him. It was pretty much down to the wire and things were moving very fast. It was three days before the wedding when I sat down with him and told him I wanted to talk. I did not share with him about my feelings inside for this women. I told him I needed time and I thought it would be best if we postponed the wedding.

It was my way of being gentle and my thoughts were to break it off all together after he got used to the idea that we would not get married right way. I did not want to hurt him by telling him I had feelings for someone else, much less another woman. He was furious and told me that if I did not marry him in three days that we would not be getting married ever. I told him that I had a lot of things to think about and that I could not marry him and if he would not give me any time to do that, then I guess I would not marry him at all. That pretty much sealed the deal and he left very angry.

There was so much going on with the wedding plans and it was so close. Alan and I both lost a lot of money on everything. We could not get refunds on hardly anything. I had already bought a new living room set and moved all my stuff into our new apartment. I had not been staying there with him nor had we been having sex or hardly seeing each other in hopes of waiting until after we were officially married, which was fine with me...

Alan would not let me in the apartment to get my things. He packed up what he wanted to give back to me and he set the boxes outside the door. Because I had paid for the living room furniture that he would not return to me, I went to the reception hall and got the deposit back that he had put down to reserve it. We lost the flower and catering money, the DJ money, the entire tux rentals and bridesmaid dresses. I had to pay half the cost for all the bridesmaid dresses for all my girls since they were already fitted and paid for.

Everybody was asking questions and Alan was being a real ass about everything. He told me it was my responsibility to call everyone on the guest list to tell them not to come and explain to them why there wasn't going to be a wedding. We had sent out about three hundred invitations. I called everyone I invited and told him he needed to call the people and his family on his guest list. He came over demanding his mother’s china, which I don't even know why I had, but I told him if he did not straighten up and act like a decent human being that I would throw the china down to him from the second floor one plate at a time.

After all that drama, I was relieved to have it over with and felt a sense of freedom. I told the woman at work, my love, that I wanted to be with her. I told her about breaking it off with Alan. She was shocked at first I think. I don't think she knew exactly how serious I was about her. She told me over the phone that night that she loved me too. That was on November 3rd, 1983.

She approached our relationship very cautiously. I think for me, I was so elated to be able to be myself and know I was going to be okay. It felt like being encased in a small box or cage all my life and finally to be able to stand up and be free to be who I was. I knew that I was gay from the time that I was a very young girl and to have fought and struggled to hide those feelings for so long on top of all the abuse secrets I had to keep was almost unbearable.

Now I had the chance to be me and to love someone who just set my heart on fire. Hell, my whole being was on fire for this woman. But we took it slow. After all, she wasn't exactly free herself and was still living with this other woman. Even though they had not been sleeping with one another for the previous 13 years, they did still have ties to one another and shared a house. I didn't care because I was head over heels in love and nobody was going to stop me from this feeling or from loving her.

We started dating slowly. I remember the first time she took my hand and held it in hers. The intensity I had for her was amazing. We used to go for drives through the park and I remember our first kiss so clearly. There was such a softness and tenderness to it. We were eye to eye and I remember how electrifying it was to me. I was 19 years old. There was a 25 year difference in our ages but that did not matter to me. I think it bothered her at first but only because she was worried that I didn't know what I was getting into. I spent a lot of time reassuring her that we were going to be okay and that I loved her. She felt the same thing for me, but she was scared too. Me- I was on cloud nine.

We would go drive around and park at this overlook of the river where the view of the whole city below was just gorgeous and magical with the sparkling water and the city lights. We got caught numerous times by the cops shining a flashlight in the car while we were making out. One over zealous cop threatened to haul us off to jail.. OMG that was so funny afterwards but not when it was happening. Anyway it was too many times to count really….It was becoming difficult finding a place to be together. I was still staying with some people temporarily and she still shared her house with her ex. Finally we decided to go to a hotel where we could have some privacy and we made love for the first time. It was so perfect and felt so right.

After taking that step together, I could not get enough of her. I felt so safe and loved in her arms and I never knew loving someone could be so good. We went away for a weekend trip and made love for like sixteen hours straight. I did not even want to come up for air. We would go out to get something to eat and come back and make love some more. Of course I couldn't walk for about a week afterwards- just kidding... but My God- It was good being with her. I never doubted for a moment that this was right where I was supposed to be.

We spent as much time as we could together. Once when we were driving around I told her to pull over because a song was playing on the radio that I liked. I got out of the truck and danced for her on the sidewalk while cars zipped by. I didn't care because I was in love and I only saw her in my eyes and heart.

She halfheartedly tried to call it off because she felt I was too young and I think the intensity of the relationship scared her a bit. It was intense and hot and passionate. To feel that depth of feeling for each other was incredible. We both felt it and knew what it meant.

She was still trying to work out what she was going to do about her partner. They had a house together and it was not going to be a good breakup. She told me she needed a little bit of time. I told her I would wait no matter how long it took but I wasn't going to give her up and I wasn't going to stop loving her. She did what she needed to do with her ex and soon after we moved into our first apartment together the next February.

Before we met and settled down together, I had lived in twenty two different homes growing up. I finally felt like I was home and that I belonged somewhere. My life with this beautiful woman was just beginning and I was in it for the long haul. I gave her every piece of me…. My life, my heart and my love… and she gave me the same in return.

It is never easy in any relationship. It takes work and commitment. You have to have love and laughter and above all, you must communicate with each other. You learn along the way to give and take and go with the flow of the peaks and the valleys. When you have love and mutual respect for one another, no matter what mountain you are trying to climb, you can make it through with the support of each other. There are times when you still have moments of feeling alone, and those are the times when it is most vital to talk to one another and share with each other your feelings and thoughts.

We have always made it a rule in our relationship to try to never go to bed angry. I think in our twenty-four years of being together, we have only done that twice. By morning we both came to each other and talked it out and worked out whatever the issue was. Another thing we do is we never leave the house without kissing and saying goodbye. You never know when it may be the last time you see each other. There are times when we feel distant from each other and it’s those times that we make the extra effort to talk about it and reconnect our hearts and minds again.

I wouldn't trade my relationship with her for anything else in the world. She has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and I know I have found my true soul mate and we were meant to be together. I love her with everything that is in me and always will. They say.."Til death do us part", but I know in my heart that not even death will keep us apart, for whenever the first one passes over into that other realm, the other will be on the other side with arms wide open arms waiting to greet the other with love.

Happy Valentine my love,
With all of my heart and soul,

PolarB ;)