I've had a few things on my mind the last several days and I suppose I want to talk about them a bit. I was thinking a lot about trust and what it means to me. I was thinking a lot of friendships and what they mean to me. You know how some thoughts just ramble around in your head until you have to get them out and onto paper? Well I suppose this is one of those times. I need the airspace in my head so I am going to dump truck this load.

I have many different levels of friendships with people. I think most of us do in one sense or the other. You have coworkers who are friends that you share your professional life with. You tell them tidbits and snippets about your life but don't really share a lot of information other than surface stuff. There might be one or two friends you share more with such as things you are worried about or think about. Then you have people you know that are just people you see and wave to but you may not even know their names. You see them in the grocery stores or hairdresser or bank. Maybe even in the neighborhood. You have online friendships with people that you do get to know, yet it is still a different kind of a friendship. No face to face contact and obviously no hugging or expressiveness other than words from the heart. Deep friendships but no physical aspect to the relationship. Even then you have to be careful as you never really know who is on the other side of the computer screen. You have closer friends who you do things with for fun like couple friends where you go to parties or movies or out to dinner with. They probably know more about you but not the deeper stuff. Then you may have one friend besides your spouse or partner that you share everything with. Your feelings and emotions, your fears, your secrets, your problems. Growing up you may have had a friend like this that was your best friend. You fought sometimes, you loved each other and you either stay connected for life or you outgrew each other and moved on. Sound familiar?

As a kid, I never really trusted anybody enough to let anyone in for that type of a friendship. I never had any close friends.I could never reveal who I was and what I thought and or how I felt because it was too dangerous. If people knew who I was they wouldn't like me anyway so why set myself up to be rejected over and over again? Secrets? I had plenty of them. I was threatened that if I told my secrets I would be killed or be hurt far worse than I already was being hurt. I was told that I would be taken away to another country and that I would never see anyone I loved ever again. As a small child, threats like that tend to make you obey and keep your mouth shut. There were fleeting moments that I told a friend of how I felt and I was ridiculed for it so it was an enforcing lesson to me to just not reveal anything about myself to anyone.

As an adult I have let in a few people. Far and few between. As I healed and opened my heart and revealed who I am and shared of myself, I have trusted that it is okay to be real. Sometimes I think I scare people off by being so real. I tend to do that sometimes and I need to be a bit more cautious with my heart I think. When I like and care about someone as a friend, I don't believe in holding back. I let them know they are important to me. I am a hugger and affectionate. Maybe too much... I was never hugged much as a kid and the only touch I got was inappropriate or hurtful, so touching and hugging people I care about is important to me now. It is a way to let somebody know I care about them.

Friendships mean a lot to me I guess because I really have no real family to speak of other than Lovie. My friends and Lovie are the only family I know, so they are important to me. Maybe it gives me a sense of belonging somewhere. I don't know. I never felt like I belonged anywhere until I met Lovie. I think it is because I feel the catch in my throat just writing about this which means it is an emotional tie to my heart. Having bonds, feeling wanted. Feeling like I matter. It all comes down to that doesn't it? That is a core issue for me. It touches down deep in the very center of my being. It's a repeated lesson that no doubt I will have to deal with over and over again. One day I will get it right. You hear that spirit? I'm still paying attention. Keep presenting the opportunities and I will get it right one day.

Beth has talked about that before in my therapy about how I have been abandoned over and over again by so many people in my life and it is easy to see it is a core issue to me. Being moved from home to home and being shuffled around as if I were a piece of old worn out luggage. It is no wonder that I was not able to bond with anyone when I was a child. And it is no wonder it is hard to form bonds with people now as an adult. I never knew how long it was going to last. Six months here... a year there....a few weeks here... two years there... One moment someone might take me in and let me live with them and the next thing I knew I had to pack up and go someplace else. Reject.. Hit the re-boot button. Out you go! Pack yo bags and head on down the road.

As a child I don't think I thought it was something I did that was bad which made me have to leave, yet I know I felt unwanted and rejected. I felt like some sad charity case... I suppose I was when the truth comes down to it. Little orphan kid that nobody wants. Some places I lived had strict guidelines. I am not talking about the typical be in by nine, do your homework, eat your vegetables kinda rules. I am talking about- you can stay here and sleep in this bed but you do not own anything here or really belong here because these are my things kinda rules. These are mine and you cannot touch them or be any part of them or go outside of this box that we have put you in.... One home went as far as putting labels on the food in the kitchen cabinets and refrigerator with their names saying this is my food and you cannot have it. I don't know what they expected me to eat. It was just easier for me to go out to a fast food place and buy my own food and eat by myself. Many times I would do that. Food became a comfort to me in many respects. I had a part time job after school so I would have my own money and I would go to a restaurant by myself and order dinner.

I got the clear message that hands off, you have no right to the things in my home. This is not your home, you only sleep here. In one foster home, when their friends were invited over, I had to go up into my room in the attic and not come back down until they were done entertaining. I was not to be a part of the party or festivities. It was for them and their family and friends. I used to go sneak some of the beers into a cooler and keep it in my closet. I had my own little party of one. It was okay. I was a loner in high school anyway and never had any friends.

Holidays were different for me back then. I typically got some small gift, but I always noticed it was not like the things they got. The other kids if there was some in the family, got toys and fun stuff. I mostly got a shirt or a pair of pants or something I needed, which was good I suppose, yet I always knew the difference. It was clear. My cousin's home I stayed in for a while, I shared the bedroom with her daughter. It lasted 8 months before I was told I would have to leave because it wasn't fair for their daughter to have to share her stuff and her room and they did not have anyplace else for me to go. Makes you feel that fake heartwarming love oozing out all over your shoe like stepping in poop, you know. It stinks. But life goes on and it did.

I had rules for my life I learned as survival skills. Never let anyone see that they have hurt you. Never let anyone in so they can hurt you. Never let your defenses down to be hurt. Always be completely aware of others actions and watch for certain behaviors. If you perceive a threat that someone is going to hurt you or they have hurt you, get the hell out of dodge. Run like hell and never look back. Nothing like a good ole dose of rejection to settle inside your heart and build up them exterior walls. Which is exactly what it did.

Over time, I have jack hammered those walls down and opened my heart. I have let people in and trusted and given my trust. Sometimes I have been hurt and I learn important lessons from those situations. It doesn't mean I close up shop and board the windows to my heart again. There is ebb and flow. Life is ever changing and flowing forward like a river. Sometimes the currents are rough and sometimes they are peaceful and smooth. Some rules have stayed with me ... like anticipating people's actions. Not that I expect people to react in negative ways predominately, I've just learned over time to read a lot of signals they put out. Words don't always match actions. That goes for positive as well as negative. I've been a people watcher all my life. My survival counted on it and I learned to read people very well. The majority of the time I can spot a lie, even a little white one... I can sense dishonesty and trouble a mile away. I have an excellent sixth sense. I've learned to trust my gut feelings and my spirit guides and they have never led me wrong.

Typically if I know somebody has been untruthful to me, I will never let them know that I know. But I watch them even more closely. If all trust is lost, then the relationship is gone. As I said trust means everything to me. It has to. I don't have time to waste in deceptive relationships. Life is too short for lies and untruths. I would much rather be real and live in truth. I suppose coming from a background where secrets and lies prevailed... I've been there, done that and have no interest in doing it again.

It is more important to me now more than ever to be real and to speak my truths and to stand up for myself and what I believe in. It's about living authentically and living your truth. It's about spiritual freedom and having the courage to be who you really are deep inside. It's spreading your wings to fly and feeling joyful and exuberant living your life.

Not sure where the hell this post was going but at least it isn't rambling around in my head anymore.