When Friendship Hurts- Part Two

 

How To Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon or Wound You

 

 

Let’s take a look at the 5 Key Aspects of Friendship that needs to be reciprocal and what exactly that means.

 

1. Trust - To openly share and entrust your thoughts and privileged information with your friend. This needs to be a two way exchange. Don’t just ask yourself if you would tell your deepest secrets to your friend, ask if you wish to be entrusted with theirs as well.
2. Empathy – The ability to understand another’s point of view to have feelings of caring and show sympathy for someone. It reflects the basic capability to listen to others and truly care about what they are going through.
3. Honesty – A close or best friend is someone you feel you can share anything with, but you decide whether or not you really want to. Example: If your friend wears an awful outfit that you really hate and she asks, How do I look? It might be honest to say, I hate that outfit, but it is not very tactful and may hurt her feelings. You have to decide what would be most beneficial to your friend. Telling the truth is the cornerstone of a close relationship, however tact really comes into play as well. It has everything to do with being able to share your feelings truthfully with one another in a caring tactful way.
4. Confidentiality – Trust and honesty are the two most important factors. Being able to keep a secret is next. The act of sharing that secret with one another is sacred and meaningful. When it is shared with others without permission, it violates the loyalty and respect for privacy that is the cornerstone of a close friendship. It destroys all trust and is a direct act of betrayal.
5. Commonality – This is another key ingredient in a positive healthy friendship. It is the feeling that you and your friend have feelings, experiences, ideas or beliefs in common. It is what helps to develop and strengthen the bond through sharing interests, activities and conversations. An extension of commonality is one cornerstone of friendship that is taken for granted; it is the feeling that you and your friend like and even love one another.

 

The ideal friend is a positive addition to both of your lives. They have their issues in check enough to be a positive person in your life. They combine the right amounts of neediness and dependency with the ability to be alone and self sufficient. The idea friend has respect for your feelings, possessions and relationships. They will be there for you, but not overly involved in your life, decisions, or other relationships. They have realistic but loving appreciation for your talents, abilities and accomplishments. They keep their jealousy and competitiveness under control.

 

The idea friend has confidence in her opinions but does not inflict those personal insights (especially about relationships, school, work or parenting issues) unless specifically asked for advice. Respecting the differences of a friend is a pivotal trait of an ideal friend. They are usually “low maintenance” and there is a trust and security in the relationship.

 

An ideal friend keeps your confidences and does not gossip about you to others. They are honest with each other while being tactful and respectful of each others feelings. They keep each other up to date if you are away on vacation and you promptly return phone calls and email.

 

 

What is a pseudo-friend?  A pseudo friendship is one sided and not equal or shared by the two people in the relationship. There are two basic types- Fair-weather friends and Foul-weather friends. How can you recognize these types of friends?

 

A Fair-weather friend is there for you when all is going well, but vanishes when times get tough. Does she constantly disappear when you need her? The best clue is to be observant about the way they respond to your simpler requests for help. Do they listen when you speak or is she more concerned about what she has to say? Are small requests heeded or ignored? Do you hear too many excuses about why she can’t be there or is yet disappearing when you seem to need her the most?

 

A Foul-weather friend plays mind games that hamper your self development. This friend needs you to have problems and foul weather. This friend may also directly or indirectly try to make your other relationships or career go bad. They may provide you with misinformation to set you up for blame or embarrassment. You are met with an undertone of negativity or ambivalence. Clues- Has your friend’s suggestion had an impact on your personal or business relationships or situations? Is this friend more available to you when things are going badly or when things are going well? Do you detect excessive jealousy when you share good news? This friend gives you subtle messages that they will not be there for you when things are going well.

 

 

Why is a friend chosen? A connection has to occur almost like a chemical reaction. In your heart and entire being there is something about this person that clicks with you. Whether you are similar or opposite, whether you share similar interests or contrasting interests. The strongest predictor is your shared values.

 

  

Detecting Harmful People Before They Become Friends-

21 Types of Potentially Negative Friends

 

1. The Promise Breaker- Constantly disappears and breaks promises. They say they will meet you for coffee or help you move and they never show up. There is always an excuse as to why they couldn’t keep their promise to you.
2. The Taker- Borrows things from you and never returns them. It could be simple things like a shirt, yard tools, a book or even large amounts of money. A possible cause for the takers behavior is a childhood of nothing ever being enough. They feel you actually have much more than them, whether it is wealth, accomplishments or relationships. Taking what you have helps the taker to feel the scales have tipped in their favor. The taker needs to take rather than to give.
3. The Double Crosser- Betrays you big time. Does something to hurt you purposefully, such as spreads a malicious rumor about you. If you have been double crossed, you may want to consider ending this relationship. If you have not been directly harmed but he she has already hurt others, are you risking too much by maintaining this friendship? If you decide to walk away, do it low key to avoid the wrath of the double crosser.
4. The Risk Taker- Puts you in harms way with illegal or dangerous behavior. You may decide the ideal course of action is to stay as far away or you may find yourself arrested, imprisoned or worse. The cause of this behavior is psychological, pathological and even sometimes sociopathic. Remember you are not your friend’s therapist or guidance counselor.
5. The Self Absorbed- Never has time to listen to you. A friend who does not take time to listen to you will eat away at your self esteem. For friendship to thrive, you have to be more than a sounding board. The self absorbed friend does not care about you. She listens to you only because she is waiting to speak.
6. The Cheat- Lies to you or steals your romantic partner or spouse. The cheat lies to you and they lie to others. They may lie once or show a pattern of lying. Lying should not be tolerated because friendship is a bond based on trust and honesty. Lying is a destructive behavior that has to be addressed. Lying is a form of cheating- Cheating somebody out of the truth.

(Note: This is not the same as a white lie or a tactful omission to spare the feelings of a friend. Example- If a friend has cancer and you ask how they are doing and they say fine when you know they are not being truthful because they are in pain or not doing well at all, you would not call them out. Use your judgment as to what needs to be confronted or omitted.)

7. The Discloser- Betrays your confidence. This friend quickly gets the reputation for being a gossip. She always knows everything about everybody and tells you so. If this person is telling you everything about others, what makes you think she isn’t doing the same thing about you? If your friend is incapable of changing this pattern of disclosing information and sharing secrets then you protect yourself by being more careful of exactly what information you are going to share with her.
8. The Competitor- Excessive competitiveness. They want what you have. A primary ingredient in a positive friendship is that both friends can be “themselves” and don’t have to put on airs to impress one another. However the competitor competes in every area of their life. There is an implication that there is a race in which one wins and one loses.
9. The One Upper- Always one upping you. No matter what you say or do this friend has said or done it better. She is competitive and jealous. This person has a low self esteem. If they were self confident the need to be one up would diminish or disappear.
10. The Rival- Desire to have what you possess and will try to take it away from you. This goes beyond competitiveness instinct into a realm of green envy, jealousy and even malice. The desire to have what you have; Relationships, job, and possessions is so severe that they can actually try to take them from you.
11. The Fault Finder- Is overly critical of you. Nothing you do, say or wear is good enough for this overly critical friend. The cause is probably being raised by extremely judgmental parents. Being constantly criticized during the formative years laid the foundational ground work for the overly critical adult. It is a hard trait to reverse. Try sharing how his behavior makes you feel. They might get defensive, but if you place the emphasis on how the behavior impacts you, it could help them reassess what he is saying and doing without having to be right.
12. The Downer- Constantly negative, critical or sad. If negativity is a long standing trait you may want to reevaluate if the friendship will work for you in the long run. Try to see how the downer will help you to understand how to deal with your own world and how your friends may be labeling you. The downer may be depressed or negative as a permanent or temporary trait. They may simply be going through some rough times. To survive a friendship with a downer, you have to separate your own personality attitudes and relationship from your friend’s negativity. You may not want to end the friendship just because they have become excessively depressed or needy. They need help and only you can determine if this is a friendship you want to salvage.
13. The Rejecter- Dislikes you and lets you know it. The rejecter is motivated by sadism, cruelty and a need to control and conquer. The rejecter has a very low opinion of themselves and can’t believe that anyone worthwhile would want to be friends and thus puts others down as a way to feel in contol.
14. The Abuser- Verbally, physically or sexually abuses you. The abuser needs professional help and represents the extreme situation. You may see yourself as a savior to them; however this can be a very dangerous situation. You need to figure out why you would get involved with this type of person who has serious abuse tendencies. If you feel there is a real risk of injury to yourself, your friend, or towards others, then you must take action to get out of this relationship and report it. Your local police, counseling centers, victim programs, addiction programs and emergency hotlines all have procedures in place to deal with this type of situation. You want to make sure to avoid this type of relationship in the future.
15. The Loner- Would rather be alone than with friends. Loners have deep emotional wounds that make them afraid of new relationships. If you want to befriend a loner, you have to be willing to show patience as they become comfortable dealing with their friendship fears.
16. The Blood Sucker- The overly dependent friend who expects you to be there for them every waking moment. She has an excessive need for help and comfort to the point that it interferes with your own life. They tend to make demands of you. The blood sucker has a genuine need to be needed, not to just demand their needs be met from others.
17. The Therapist- Needs to analyze everything and give advice. The therapist always has to make suggestions that she wants and expects you to follow to make your situation better. They constantly analyze and try to find psychological explanations for everything you say or do. This is not only annoying but it is unacceptable if you really just need a friend to listen and be there for you. The therapist cannot stop themselves from giving interpretations, opinions or advice to you. The therapist is not trained in psychology, psychiatry, social work or psychiatric nursing. They have a need for order in their world. When you share feelings or experiences that are stressful or unresolved it creates anxiety in your friend. They want resolution now and offer suggestions that they want and expect you to follow to dispel their discomfort about your situation. The therapist has a need to explain everything to you as a way of helping you avoid problems.
18. The Interloper- Overly involved in your life. You feel your friend’s interest is becoming excessive, intense and smothering. He has crossed the line. The interloper not only sympathizes and offers suggestions, but they will take action and interfere in your life. If you feel they are starting to seriously manipulate your life, it may be wiser to walk away.
19. The Copycat- Imitates you, what you wear, what you do and what you say. The copycat gains strength from imitating what someone else is thinking or doing so they can feel more confident about their own life.
20. The Controller- Needs to dominate you and the friendship. This trait can persist in a friendship without any problems until there is a confrontation at which point the controller disapproves of what a friend is doing and says so. The controller needs to impose her will or unique point of view on her friend. This type of friend probably experienced a rigid childhood where everything had to be a certain way. So now they feel the need to control everyone in personal or work relationships. They tend to want to be the leader and the controller of everything. Whenever you do something that doesn’t fit in with the way she thinks is right, there will be conflict.
21. The Caretaker- Needs to be a friend’s keeper, parent, or nursemaid rather than an equal friend. The caretaker may be resentful if you do not share her need to take care of others, or if you refuse or resist her concerns or parenting towards you. You may like your independence and find the excessive caretaking that the friend is compelled to do gets in the way of a friendship that is equal that you wish to have. You may be able to say “I know you have a need to take care of everyone, but you are not my mother and I am not your child. You are my friend and my equal so don’t waste all those good caretaking skills that you can spend on others who want it from you. Thank you very much, I can take care of myself.”

 

 

You may recognize some of these traits in yourself or in a friend you are in a relationship with right now, however the occurrence may be so rare that it does not pose a problem in the relationship. It is the degree of these behaviors that you want to pay closer attention to.

 

This is a good opportunity for you to take stock of your own behaviors and how it may be impacting your relationships with the people in your life.

 

 

Next we will take a look at recognizing positive and harmful friendships.

 

When Friendship Hurts—Part One

 

How To Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon or Wound You

 

 

Jan Yager wrote a wonderful book that I have been reading that deals with relationships and getting over friendships with people who betray and hurt you. It has been a real eye opener for me to not only see and recognize the different types of personality traits to look out for as warning signs and red flags, but I am also able to recognize the different aspects of behaviors that perhaps I myself have displayed at some point and time in my own relationships with people. Everyone has some of these traits in small various degrees that they may have displayed occasionally, however it is when these types of behaviors and actions are frequent enough that it starts impacting your relationship that you have to sit up and start paying attention to what the signs are telling you.

 

This book has been very beneficial to me because not only does it point out the negative signs to look out for, it also talks a lot about positive friendships and the actions and behaviors of trustworthy, loyal friendships that you develop with people that can and will last a lifetime. Jan’s book highlights what I can do to be a better friend and build even stronger bonds with the people in my life today. She discusses what you can do when things are not going so well and how to work out issues and conflicts if you really want to salvage and save a friendship with negative aspects, and what steps to take if you do decide to ultimately end the relationship.

 

This book has been very helpful to me in a lot of ways. This past year I went through a very rough period and ultimately I ended two very close personal relationships that meant a lot to me. This was not an easy decision to make and it was extremely emotional for me; however my decision to end the relationships was the best decision and the right one to make for my own emotional well being. Even though one happened nearly a year ago, it has taken me a long time to be able to talk about it openly and to feel peace about my decision. I have gotten many confirmations that it was the right thing to do, yet my heart still hurt and it has taken me a long time to heal that hurt and to feel peace of mind regarding both of these relationships.

 

In some ways it is much like mourning a death because it is a loss in your life. Even though I am much more joyful and happier now, the emotional turmoil it causes along the way can be difficult. As with any grief and loss, time heals the wounds and the experience teaches us valuable lessons along the way. I wish for the same healing for each of them in their lives.

 

Maybe you will benefit from this book too. All of us can relate to betrayal in a friendship, but so few want to talk about it openly. Talking about betrayal is needed as a necessary catharsis for healing the emotional pain of betrayal. In a survey of 180 people who responded to the question “Has a casual, close or best friend ever betrayed you?” 68% said yes and 32% said no.

 

So why do friends do hurtful things to their friends? Why do friends betray one another? Why would somebody get into a negative friendship to begin with? How do you get out of a hurtful one? How do you find and cultivate positive friendships?

 

“When Friendship Hurts” answers all of these questions and more. Sometimes the biggest change you can make must start with you before you can expect anyone else to change their behavior and actions. Let’s examine some of these questions and get some answers. This information was so helpful to me; I know it most likely will be helpful to you as well.

 

Because this is a lot of information, I am going to break this down into several parts because nobody wants to read a post that is so long that you lose interest before you can even read all of it. This is really valuable information that I want to share with you, so I will try to do it in smaller manageable doses by breaking it down into parts.

 

Positive wonderful friendships that are mutually beneficial to both friends should last a lifetime. Friendships that are negative, hurtful, toxic or unhealthy should end. Negative friendships can wreck havoc on your emotional well being.

 

Some potentially destructive or harmful friendships may be difficult to spot. That is because during the “courtship” phase, your friend may be charming, polite and completely appropriate, however once your friendship is well under way, the friend may change.

 

The very act of becoming friends may send somebody with intimacy problems into an emotional tailspin in which their behavior changes towards each other. In addition, the longer you remain friends, the greater your investment and the more likely you are to ignore or explain away negative behaviors. You will only be able to put up with so much and the friendship may last until such an act of betrayal occurs that the situation has to be addressed and resolved or the friendship ends.

 

Most of us are blessed with supportive caring trustworthy friends. There are great books out there that describe the process of maintaining positive friendships. “Friendshifts- The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives” by Jan Yager is another excellent book that talks about positive friendships.

 

But where do you turn for help if you feel a friend has betrayed you? What exactly is betrayal anyway? Betrayal is when a friend whom you counted on for support, love, affection, trust, loyalty, camaraderie or respect has somehow destroyed your trust.

 

She may have violated a confidence or told lies about you, harmed your other personal relationships or cost you your job. He may have failed to come through for you in your hour of emotional need, taken your money or possessions, or stolen the affections of your romantic partner or spouse. In worst case scenarios, maybe your friend physically harmed you.

 

Were these “friends” ever really friends to you? How could a true “friend” commit such treacherous acts? Did the friendship start out destructive or harmful or did it become that way over time? Where did it take a wrong turn and what can you do to end it? If the relationship started out destructive, how can you learn to be a better judge of character early on so you avoid befriending those who end up harming you or betraying you?

 

 

 

Next we will take a look at the 5 Key Aspects of Friendship

 

Finally finally finally! I was able to at least load 5 pictures that I will share with you. I am having all kinds of computer and internet connection issues so it has been erratic and frustrating!

Anyway enoy these until I can get the rest loaded.



These are some of the little ones who love to dance and show off their regalia.



This little fellow could not have been more than three years old but he sure knew his footwork.



The thing I love best out the outfits are the bright colors that sawy and move with life and energy when the dancer is competeting.



Watching all the people dance to the mighty drumbeat that echos within my body and in tune with my heartbeat just soothes my spirit. I can't describe it adequately. It just makes me feel like I am soaring with God on angels wings. I suppose this is kind of like my version of an old time tent revival!



This was one of my favorite shots I took. They were so into watching the dancers just like me and I was able to capture that joyfullness in their expression as well.

There will be more photos uploaded as I am able Peeps!

Bear Hugs & many Blessings!

PolarB ;)

YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS RIGHT?????? IT'S FRIDAY!! AND THAT MEANS YES IT'S TIME FOR :

FRIDAY QUESTIONS

Hello my friendly little Peeps!! Have you been waiting all week until Friday to get your weekly fix here and at Belle's place? Well you're just in luck cause today is FRIDAY!!!!!

Have at it! I see you drooling so here ya go my lovelies!

1. Do you have a pet peeve?

2. What do you collect?

3. What is your favorite juice?

4. Kind of bathing suit you prefer?

5. Do you like Buttermilk?

6. Do you read the Bible?

7. Do you use Google often?

8. What is the gooiest things your hands have been in?

9. Have you had a good laugh this week?

10. Have you ever had somebody make wrong assumptions about you?

11. What did you want to be when you grew up?

12. What is the cutest feature of your significant other?

13. How did you celebrate the 4th of July?

14. Build your best omelette. What's on it?

15. Favorite place to walk or hike?

16. Have you ever went down a water slide?

17. Have you grilled a lot so far this year?

18. Favorite all time musical group?

19. Favorite male singer currently?

20. Favorite female singer currently?

Have a fantastic Friday,

From your friendly Peep Queen..... Ohhh I mean... Polar-bear!

Catch ya on the flip side,

PolarB ;)

I am still working on uploading my Pow-Wow pics but my puter at home is slower than cat..... Well you know what.

It has been a busy week trying to get caught up on things. We had some bad storms come through and that booted me off the computer too the rest of the night.

Enjoy this picture from the zoo until I can get them loaded.



Bear Hugs!
PolarB ;)