I trust you had a fabulous Thanksgiving and are now enjoying settling down to enjoy the next month of the Christmas season. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays and we have decked the halls this past weekend. The tree is up and what a beauty she is. This year we did something a bit different than we normally do. Normally we have a tree that looks full of nature with little birds and nests and stuff we have gathered from the outdoors to decorate the tree with. It usually turns out pretty great but this year I wanted to do something different.
Every year for the past 24 years Lovie and I buy each other special ornaments, sometimes from Hallmark but also from alot of other special places too, like the time we went to Myrtle Beach for Christmas we got Shells that were designed to look like Santa heads. Pretty cool huh? Well this year I wanted to put all of our special ornaments on the tree from over the years. The tree is already prelit with sparkling white lights and I had some small red hearts and apples that are perfect for the tree. We had one strand of red pointsetta delicate flowers that are red lights we added and standing back to look at our creation there is only one conclusion. It is beautiful. What makes it even more touching is the fact that when we gaze upon each tiny ornament, every one of them brings back a special memory.
When we were going through all of our Christmas bins to pull out stuff we wanted to put out this year, I realized there was a ton of stuff we had not used in years nor would we probably use them in the future, so we packed up two box fulls and will be donating it to the Salvation Army. I told Lovie, do you realize we now have no balls? She laughed and said, I'm so sorry! I was talking about the shiny ball shaped ornaments and in typical fashion she makes me smile and laugh and so glad she is by my side each and every day. Who needs balls when we have each other?
I put the nice tablecloth on the table and brought out the candlesticks and a little red sleigh with Santa for the centerpiece. Yep, it's beginning to look alot like Christmas. Our tree lit up in the front window looks beautiful and warm and inviting. Lovie was working on the yard lights today and has half of them done. It was a bit cold so she will finish them tomorrow as long as it doesn't rain.
I was able to do most of my Christmas shopping on Black Friday and I had a blast being in the hustle bustle of all the holiday shoppers. I am for the most part done except for the stocking stuffers. I am collecting toys at work for the Toys for Tots program. I love shopping for toys and already bought seven things to donate.
Christmas brings out the kid in me even more so than any other time of the year. Maybe it's because I can make my own Christmas memories now and I enjoy every moment and savor it because it is so vastly different now than when I was a child. Life is what you make it as I always say.
I am doing things differently than I used to and perhaps looking at life differently too. This past weekend I drug out a bunch of old pictures and looked at them. It had a quieting effect on me. Maybe it is a settling in my bones kinda moment.... who knows. But I will embrace each moment as it comes to me and make my life as good as I can. It is up to me, not anyone else, you know?
Anyway, I am getting a bit melancholy, so I will move on.
Here's hoping your season is bright and merry and don't forget to spread the kindness to another when these days ahead will be so hectic. It may just make the difference.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope your holiday is wonderful, and your belly full of yummy good things to eat and that you get some great deals for those of you that shop on Black Friday. That's where I'll be this weekend!
Take a moment to realize how truly blessed you are. Take a moment to celebrate the love you have in your life and the abundance around you. The Great Spirit is good to each of us and everlasting.
I posted a song for the weekend. I hope you can see and watch the video. I cant but what's new? Hopefully some of you will be able to see this great song. If you get an extra minute please read the story below in the previuos post and tell me what you think. I wanted to leave it up longer but I also wanted to wish you guys a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday too.
She stood at the edge of the jagged cliff shaking. A warm breeze was blowing slightly yet she felt chilled to the bone. She looked out over the horizon and wondered if this was a good day to live or a good day to die. She felt overwhelmed with raw emotion. It was seething out of her pores causing her to feel jittery and off balance. It could just be the fact that she was standing on the edge of this cliff, which seemed so high she felt she could touch the sky, for she was deathly afraid of heights. So many thoughts rambling through her mind all tumbling and jumbled over one another in an effort to be at the forefront of her mind. Flashes of images raced one after another. She saw his face twisted and blood red screaming at her, saw his hard fist bearing down on her, she could hear her screams in her own mind, the way she cried and pleaded with him. She wanted to scream now for the images to stop playing over and over. If only she could freeze the images and make them disappear. If only he hadn't hurt her the way he did. If only she didn't still hear his haunting whispers in her ear, his breath close, taunting her, saying nasty vulgar words to her that she didn't want to hear. If only... Yet it had happened and she would bear the scars of his brutality for the rest of her life. However short or long her life was to be.
It had only been three short months ago that she hatched an escape plan and left with the clothes on her back and a few dollars in her pocket. In the wee early morning hours minutes after he drove down the gravel driveway to go to work at the hatchery, she looked around the trailer she had called home one final time before she shut the door and escaped into the cover of darkness. She could imagine how angry he must have been when he discovered her gone. No doubt, he did not even realize she was gone until he got back later that night from drinking at the bar. She was sure he had been livid. And drunk, and that was a dangerous combination. She had first hand experience of that. By then she was out of his clutches, miles and miles away and hopefully they would never cross paths again. At least she hoped she would never have to see his face again. He was no longer in her life yet the fear of what once was still a constant on her mind. Always looking over her shoulder, never giving her real name, never letting anybody get too close just in case he tracked her down. She didn't want anyone to be able to give him any information about her. It was a hell of a life to live. She knew that and she was tired of living in fear. She wouldn't do it anymore.
She brought her attention back to the cliff she was standing on. I wonder how far down it actually is, she thought. She cautiously peered over the edge. It was one hell of a long way down. It made her nervous and she felt her legs tremble just getting close to the edge. She took a few steps back to settle her nerves again. What if she accidently fell? What did that really matter though, she wouldn't have to make the decision then, it would be done and over with. Would she be able to do it? What if she changed her mind after she took that first step off. It would be too late and there was no turning back then. That's why she had to be sure. If she went through with it and died, it would be a while before anyone would find her body. She could feel the sweat gathering under her pits and running down the crevice of the small of her back. She felt as if every nerve ending was standing up at attention making her pores large and goose-bumpy. She looked around and there was not another soul in sight, which is precisely why she chose this particular spot.
She had found this little piece of heavenly oasis by mistake one afternoon while walking through a forest of trees. She loved walking in the woods and nature seemed to calm her soul. The fresh air and musky scent of the earth allowed her to clear her head. After fighting with prickly brush and thickets of thorns she had stumbled out into an open clearing where the jagged cliff butted out into the clear blue sky. She was taken aback by the beauty of the surroundings and found herself coming here often over the last few weeks. It was her special place, her secret hideout. Often she would sit in the sunshine near the edge of the cliff and mull over her options in life. She even had moments of pure joy when she forgot everything except being right there in that moment. She never felt closer to heaven and wondered what the possibilities for her life were.
She was intelligent and smart no matter what he had told her. She didn't consider herself pretty but she wasn't ugly either, even though he always told her she was, among the other things he called her and said to her. He told her she would be nothing without him. His words echoed through her brain...the things he said that were not true yet after being repeatedly badgered over and over with those messages, she started to believe them. Yeah he really did a number on her, that much was true. She made a decision that it had to end. Today she stopped the madness. Here in this beautiful pristine place, she would rid her soul of being tortured a minute longer. It was the finality of that decision that gave her peace.
She looked around one final time and being sure that nobody was in sight she walked to the edge of the cliff. Well this was it. Without thought she stripped off her clothes. She pulled her thin shirt over her head and eased her shorts off. It felt good standing in the warm air naked and bare with the sun shining down on her body. If she was going to die, this would be the way to do it. No turning back now. She looked down one last time, closed her eyes, then took a deep calming breath. She lifted her eyes towards the heavens, screamed to the top of her lungs and as the last bit of air left her lungs and there was no more air or sound coming from her throat, she stepped off the edge of the cliff.
Her body plunged into the water with a resounding force. The beautiful blue water was ice cold and she felt the shock and then the exhilaration of what she had done. As she broke the surfaced, she screamed with delight and laughed and cried at the same time. She felt the tears flowing out of her eyes and blending in with the fresh spring waters. She dove under water and swam, feeling the cold water flowing over her, surrounding her, healing her, cleansing her, giving birth to her as if she were in Mother Nature's womb. Today was the first day of the rest of her life. She had conquered her fear of heights and this was a new start for her. If she could conquer this one fear, then there was no reason she couldn't face all of her fears. Every last one of them. No longer would she be living in the shadows of what once was. Plunging into the deep blue waters was a symbolic rebirth of her life and what it could be in the future.
As she swam to the shore's edge to make her way up the path she had plotted out in the last several weeks, she knew in her heart that she would be changed from this day forward. With a contented sigh and a smile on her face, she started the climb up the side of the cliff.
Okay.... here's a bit of fluff since that is usually when people come to visit my site the most. You must still like the questions or else you wouldn't visit on Fridays eh?
1. If your happy and you know it, what do you do?
2. What article of clothing do you buy the most of?
3. Do you save cards that people send to you for the holidays?
4. Do you like the scent of men's cologne? If so which one is your favorite?
5. Have you ever tried turkey bacon?
6. Favorite online place to shop?
7. Have you ever stayed at a resort on an island outside the United States?
8. If you are married, where did you go on your honeymoon?
9. Do you have a picture of you with Santa?
10. Do you ever wonder why so many children are in orphanages when so many couples can't have children and want them? Why do you think that is?
11. Do you purchase flowers from a florist around the holidays for your home?
12. Do you drive around in your car to view all the Christmas lights?
13. Are you having turkey or ham for Thanksgiving dinner?
14. Do you as an individual or as part of your company you work for adopt a family or collect items for charitable donations for the holiday season?
15. Do you donate canned goods to food banks for people in need?
16. How many presents do you end up buying for yourself when shopping for Christmas?
17. How often do you read books?
18. Do you have a local newspaper delivered to your house?
19. What is your favorite kind of pie?
20. Are you satisfied with your life?
Well this weekend will be filled with shopping starting tonight and I'm hoping to nab some great deals! Have a great weekend my friends and I will catch ya on the flip side.
I recently read another blogger's post where they were talking about filler that people put on their blogs verses writing actual posts anymore. That kind of struck me in a realization that yes, I too use a lot of filler lately...that is when I even post at all. I realized I have backed off from writing the real stuff for quite a while now. I'd say the last year or so actually. It probably started out as an unconscious decision to fill my blog over the past months with silly questions and what I call fluff, but part of it I think was on a very conscious level too. Sure the questions are fun and entertaining and I originally started the Friday Five questions in an effort to get everyone to know a little bit more about each other and to share pieces of themselves more. I find it interesting though, that in the effort of trying to share more about ourselves, it has meant that I actually share less of myself. I have to admit it has become just that---- filler.
I have not been writing the types of posts that I once did sharing the pieces and snippets of my life and the daily things I go through or think about. I have not been writing the kind of heartfelt stuff that I used to when I first joined Blogstream. Part of that is because maybe I was starting to feel a bit too vulnerable and thought maybe I was sharing too much of me in the process. Part of my decision to stop writing about anything I was going through was out of my own desire to self protect. At times I wondered why in the hell are you sharing this stuff PolarB? People don't want to hear this crap. Sometimes I felt that others judged me in a way that they felt I wrote those types of posts to get attention or sympathy. Even though that was not the case, it stopped me from writing the real stuff that comes from my heart.
But really when it comes down to it.... the stuff that means the most to me when I write and share of myself is the stuff that can help others in the process. That openness that was in my writing is how I really am in my everyday daily life. The honesty of baring one's soul and the desire to help others along the way is who I am as a person along with many other facets of my personality. Does that mean I share absolutely everything about my life with everyone? No. Who does? We all have pieces of ourselves that we tuck away neatly and share only with a select few.
Over this past year I have been thinking a lot about my book that I am writing. There is a hell of a lot of vulnerability in writing it. I hold absolutely no secrets about my life in it because it is precisely about my life and how I got to where I am today. There have been moments when I think to myself,---- Gawd, PolarB are you really going to send this out to the world for anyone and everyone to read? What about your co-workers? What in the world are they going to think of you?---- I know that is just fear talking and self doubt. I think once it goes out I can't take it back. Do I really want everyone to know that much about me? It's kind of scary when you think about it.
Then there's the part of me who knows that others who have walked the same peaks and valleys or who are just beginning to walk their own path, will find it comforting and helpful. Perhaps it will give somebody hope when they are struggling. Maybe my book will be the light that provides a small flicker of hope when they are surrounded by darkness and overwhelming fear. At least that is my wish and the whole reason I wanted to write the book in the first place.
Throughout this whole process of writing my book, I find that I am not done healing. I'm still walking my journey and when it comes down to it, there is another realization that I will always be walking this journey. I am still peeling the onion. Because I am still in the process, it has been difficult and hard to work on writing the book right now. I find myself wanting to make a lot of changes and edits to it before it is really even done. That I suppose is a writer's worst mistake. They say you should just write and write and write until you get it all out and then start the editing process.
It has been a tumultuous year for me to say the least. Probably the roughest year I have had in many moons. I didn't realize I would be smack dab in the middle of my healing journey once again however I have found myself precisely so. I've been working on deep core issues this whole past year and find myself purging even more about my past. It is damn hard work. It is exhausting. Mentally, physically and certainly emotionally. It seems I have reached the place where anger resides. For a person who was never comfortable displaying anger, I have to say I don't always know quite what to do with it. It's a learning process. It is a feeling process too. That in itself is a lot to have on your plate, yet I've had health issues to deal with too all throughout this process. Getting a total knee replacement was not on my list of things to do, however I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter. It was either do it or not be able to walk. In the process of all of this, I have discovered many additional layers of my complex core of who I am as a person. Even after 43 years, there is still more to discover about myself. It is truly a never ending journey. True to form, like a cherry on top of the sundae, I have also been trying diligently to maintain my daily professional life with finesse while trying to keep everything in my head from exploding.
I've gained and lost weight and then found more weight again. I've lost interest in some things and renewed interest in others. I feel like my spirituality is hindering on the edge waiting for me to come and take hold of it firmly again. I've lost some friends and gained new friendships. I've closed two blogs and started one new one. It's the ebb and flow of life. Constantly changing and always fluid.
I have found that my relationships with others have changed in this process as well. Sometimes intentional and sometimes not. For instance, I have a group of women friends that we used to get together for social gatherings and fun times, just hanging out and talking or going to restaurants for a meal together or sometimes we went to one another's homes for a party or grill out. Some of those relationships have drifted and died out because I have been out of commission for the past year with my knee and therapy. Others have been steady and solid. I miss some of the relationships and others I don't. They say people come in and out of your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. For various reasons and circumstances, some relationships in my life have strengthened incredibly while others have ended abruptly. Sometimes it is just the natural course of things. Even my relationship with people here on Blogstream have ebbed and flowed like the tide going in and out softly. It's perfectly okay. It happens in everyday life and it is a normal occurrence along this uncharted course we call life.
There are times I just want to give up and crawl in a hole somewhere, pull the covers up over my head and hide. I don't do that because I know the benefits of pressing onward. It's nice to fantasize about it for a while though. Do you know how nice it would be to just chuck everything and go be a beach bum on a deserted island somewhere far away from civilization? It certainly has it's appeal.
I guess my whole point of writing this post in the first place was to say that maybe I will write more and fluff less.... Maybe.... maybe not. We'll see.
Many Blogstream members are there
already! Quotes from members: "It's like blog lite!" -- "I like the instant
gratification!" -- "Stop spectating, get in the game!"
If you have not joined in, you are really missing out!
