When Friendship Hurts—Part One
How To Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon or Wound You
Jan Yager wrote a wonderful book that I have been reading that deals with relationships and getting over friendships with people who betray and hurt you. It has been a real eye opener for me to not only see and recognize the different types of personality traits to look out for as warning signs and red flags, but I am also able to recognize the different aspects of behaviors that perhaps I myself have displayed at some point and time in my own relationships with people. Everyone has some of these traits in small various degrees that they may have displayed occasionally, however it is when these types of behaviors and actions are frequent enough that it starts impacting your relationship that you have to sit up and start paying attention to what the signs are telling you.
This book has been very beneficial to me because not only does it point out the negative signs to look out for, it also talks a lot about positive friendships and the actions and behaviors of trustworthy, loyal friendships that you develop with people that can and will last a lifetime. Jan’s book highlights what I can do to be a better friend and build even stronger bonds with the people in my life today. She discusses what you can do when things are not going so well and how to work out issues and conflicts if you really want to salvage and save a friendship with negative aspects, and what steps to take if you do decide to ultimately end the relationship.
This book has been very helpful to me in a lot of ways. This past year I went through a very rough period and ultimately I ended two very close personal relationships that meant a lot to me. This was not an easy decision to make and it was extremely emotional for me; however my decision to end the relationships was the best decision and the right one to make for my own emotional well being. Even though one happened nearly a year ago, it has taken me a long time to be able to talk about it openly and to feel peace about my decision. I have gotten many confirmations that it was the right thing to do, yet my heart still hurt and it has taken me a long time to heal that hurt and to feel peace of mind regarding both of these relationships.
In some ways it is much like mourning a death because it is a loss in your life. Even though I am much more joyful and happier now, the emotional turmoil it causes along the way can be difficult. As with any grief and loss, time heals the wounds and the experience teaches us valuable lessons along the way. I wish for the same healing for each of them in their lives.
Maybe you will benefit from this book too. All of us can relate to betrayal in a friendship, but so few want to talk about it openly. Talking about betrayal is needed as a necessary catharsis for healing the emotional pain of betrayal. In a survey of 180 people who responded to the question “Has a casual, close or best friend ever betrayed you?” 68% said yes and 32% said no.
So why do friends do hurtful things to their friends? Why do friends betray one another? Why would somebody get into a negative friendship to begin with? How do you get out of a hurtful one? How do you find and cultivate positive friendships?
“When Friendship Hurts” answers all of these questions and more. Sometimes the biggest change you can make must start with you before you can expect anyone else to change their behavior and actions. Let’s examine some of these questions and get some answers. This information was so helpful to me; I know it most likely will be helpful to you as well.
Because this is a lot of information, I am going to break this down into several parts because nobody wants to read a post that is so long that you lose interest before you can even read all of it. This is really valuable information that I want to share with you, so I will try to do it in smaller manageable doses by breaking it down into parts.
Positive wonderful friendships that are mutually beneficial to both friends should last a lifetime. Friendships that are negative, hurtful, toxic or unhealthy should end. Negative friendships can wreck havoc on your emotional well being.
Some potentially destructive or harmful friendships may be difficult to spot. That is because during the “courtship” phase, your friend may be charming, polite and completely appropriate, however once your friendship is well under way, the friend may change.
The very act of becoming friends may send somebody with intimacy problems into an emotional tailspin in which their behavior changes towards each other. In addition, the longer you remain friends, the greater your investment and the more likely you are to ignore or explain away negative behaviors. You will only be able to put up with so much and the friendship may last until such an act of betrayal occurs that the situation has to be addressed and resolved or the friendship ends.
Most of us are blessed with supportive caring trustworthy friends. There are great books out there that describe the process of maintaining positive friendships. “Friendshifts- The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives” by Jan Yager is another excellent book that talks about positive friendships.
But where do you turn for help if you feel a friend has betrayed you? What exactly is betrayal anyway? Betrayal is when a friend whom you counted on for support, love, affection, trust, loyalty, camaraderie or respect has somehow destroyed your trust.
She may have violated a confidence or told lies about you, harmed your other personal relationships or cost you your job. He may have failed to come through for you in your hour of emotional need, taken your money or possessions, or stolen the affections of your romantic partner or spouse. In worst case scenarios, maybe your friend physically harmed you.
Were these “friends” ever really friends to you? How could a true “friend” commit such treacherous acts? Did the friendship start out destructive or harmful or did it become that way over time? Where did it take a wrong turn and what can you do to end it? If the relationship started out destructive, how can you learn to be a better judge of character early on so you avoid befriending those who end up harming you or betraying you?
Next we will take a look at the 5 Key Aspects of Friendship
