First of all I'd like to thank all who voted for not only me but for all the recipients of the Blogstream awards and the honorable mentions. I count you all as dear friends! What an honor! I am proudly displaying my awards and will try uphold the honor throughout the new year!
1) Who in our blog family would you most want to meet in person?

First Place: Colo, Polar Bear & Biggie-T
34) Which blogger has the best recipes ?

Winners: Granny Jo & Polar Bear
14) Who is the best female blogger?

Winners: Colo, Polar Bear, Rosie, Sherry & Valkyrie
Honorable mentions
4) Who's blog do you find the most honest and soul bearing?
19) Who is the best veteran blog (over 1000 hits) ?
21) Who has the best spiritual blog?
26) Which blogger would you trust with your life & secrets?
28) Who is your favorite quoted blogger on Overheard?
31) Which blogger which you most want to give a hug to?
42) Which blogger is the most spookiest for Halloween ?
Gosh! Thank you so much for all the honorable mentions peeps! It truly is an honor and I appreciate you all for thinking of me in such nice ways. Believe me I feel the same about you guys too.
Okay.... well now that we have that over with I wanted to reflect and share some of my thoughts on this past year and welcome in the New Year! I just gotta a really good feeling that 2007 is going to be a really good year for me and for you as well.
I like to reflect a bit at the end of each year and take stock of how far I've come or go over the things maybe I can improve on or do better in the fresh new year. Kinda of like starting a new chapter of a book except I have control over the plots and the storyline for this coming year.
This past year of 2006 was not my best I'd have to say... I've had better years. There was much growth this past year and I can be proud of that but there was also alot of emotional undercurrents and pain that I had throughout the year that affected me greatly. Luckily for me... having a brand new knee will take care of the pain part and as for the emotional...well I am still growing and evolving and working my stuff.
There will be a huge release and letting go of old memories and feelings which will clear the path for serenity and enlightment for my own spiritual growth. I feel like this is the year I will soar with the eagles and the bear spirit within me will purge all the unwanted crap that has been a barrior to my spiritual freedom. There will be a connection as never before and my guides will clear the path as I open my heart and mind even more than I ever have before.
I recently bought the new Dixie Chick CD and I really like it. There is one song on there in particular that I really connect with. I know they are singing it because of all the hooplah stuff they went through when they were shunned by the masses just for speaking their minds and it has a much different meaning for them than it does for me. But the words touch my inner core and it is all part of the emotional releasing that I am currently embarking upon. It's the song called "Not Ready To Make Nice"
The words say;
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it
That song says a hell of alot to me and I relate it so much to my abusive past. It's so easy for people to say you have to Forgive but to me being sexually and ritually abused as a child is not about forgiving my abusers. I don't know that I could ever forgive them. It's about forgiving yourself and finding peace within your own self to be able to let it go enough so that it doesn't hurt you anymore and it doesn't control your life anymore. Forget? Nope. I wont ever be able to do that nor do I want to. It has made me who I am and I am a stronger woman for what I endured. Time heals everything but I'm still waiting. Yep. I am still healing. I have done a heck of alot of healing over the past 12 years but there is yet more to do and I'm still waiting and finding my way through it. I have felt like a failure this past year for my abuse issues resurfacing because I thought I had it all tidied up and wrapped neatly in a bow, but you know what? I didnt and more importantly I am not a failure because this is just the next layer of the onion so to speak and I am getting to the much deeper levels than I ever thought possible. I've paid a price and I'll keep paying very true but not only that I will continue to become who I was always meant to be. It is a joy to discover all these parts of myself that were covered over in darkness. As the light reaches in and surrrounds every nook and cranny, I am transformed and there is a lightness to which my spirit can take flight and soar. I feel a change within me and it is like shedding my skin or another layer of my skin to step out into the daylight and to revel in the beauty that was within me all along, just buried under the rubble. I'm not ready to make nice I'm not ready to back down... Honey there aint no turning back now! I've come too far and I will keep moving forward towards the light. I'm still mad as Hell and I dont have time to go round and round and round. Yep I'm getting in touch with the anger part that has always scared the crap out of me. I always feared that if I got in touch with the intense anger that I felt inside for what was done to me that I would literally kill someone. All I have to say is I pity the fool that even tries to attack me or overpower me in any way cause I aint a scared little girl anymore and someone is real likely to get seriously hurt and it aint gonna be me this time! I am proud of myself for standing up against people who have misused their power even when I was standing all alone, I still had to courage to do it and it gave me my power back. I am grateful for that. It's too late to make it right, I probably wouldnt if I could.. boy aint that the truth. I can never go back and retrieve what was lost and taken from me but what I can do is live my life differently from where I came from and create my own surroundings that are peaceful, nurturing and life giving to me filled with the love that I never had. That includes having people in my life who are healthy and supportive of me and getting rid of toxic relationships that hurt me. I deserve better than that and it is up to me to control and monitor that. Cant bring myself to do what it is you think I should... There's a saying I like that goes something like this... "Shoulds and Oughts are what other people want you to do... Wants and Needs are your own desires and what is right for you." Which to me translates to follow my own heart and listen to the still voice inside me which is my own intuition. It never has led me wrong. There are always people who will try to tell you what to do, but is that what you really want to do? If you go around pleasing everyone else and negating your own feelings and needs, you start to lose a vital part of yourself. Follow your own heart and intuitions. It will make your heart sing and bring you so much joy and contentment. I know you said, Why cant you just get over it? If I just got over it and pushed my abuse issues to the side and not dealt with it, I would have never found true happiness and peace within. You can only push it down so many times and it is going to start to seep out in other areas of your life. You may not even realize it and connect it to the core issue but one way or another it will keep coming up until you deal with it. It turned my whole world around and I kind of like it.Yes it did turn my whole world around. But I am grateful for it. It has been my path and I have learned so many life lessons from it and I am learning to love myself and accept all the parts of me and I have discovered so many things about myself and it has opened up a creativity within me that I never even knew existed. So yeah... I kinda like it.
As I step into this new year, I will continue along my path. I have been healing and working on my core issues for a long time now ..more than ever this past year and will continue into this new year as well. I did so much of it intellectually in past years but I was always afraid to feel the feelings that went along with it. I am doing that now. It is opening up my heart and my spirit. That is the unveiling of my soul that I am embarking upon right now. I am ready and looking head on into the future and where my journey will take me.
This past year I have gotten so frustrated at myself for not finishing my book that I am writing. It is my history and the story of my own personal journey of healing and to give hope to others who are walking the same path. I now realize why I couldnt finish it. I am not done. I am walking through a vital part right now and so I couldnt finish the book. It will all fall into place exactly as the Great Spirit has aligned it to. In other words... I am right where I am supposed to be.
With that in mind and with having a super bionic new knee...it is no wonder where the trail will lead to ....all I know is I am ready to fly...
Much love to all who have supported me here on the Stream and personally offline. It is the friendships like this that I honor deeply and I am proud to hold you within my heart. There were times you lifted my spirits when I needed it the most and I am thankful for that. That's what friends do.. they lift you up out of the valleys and stand with you proud side by side on the peaks of the mountaintops. I am honored to be a part of this wonderful loving supportive community of friends.
Yep peeps....it's gonna be a good year!
Love,
PolarB ;)