I know I have not posted regularly in a while now and I am ready to share with you why that is. I have been doing some major duty processing and work that is so intense and emotional. I have to tell you I thought I had already done all this healing stuff and I was very happy thriving for many years but guess what? It has become increasingly obvious that I am painfully not done with my healing process. I have recently accepted things about myself that I have been denying for a very long long time. There has been much fear and resistance on my part yet now that I have opened the can of worms it does not seem to want to go back into the can and fit all nice and cozy the way I thought my life was going. There are parts of me that hold the different parts of the abuse that happened in my seventeen years when I was in those horrid situations. Yes I have accepted that I was horribly abused as a child. Yes I have accepted that the sexual abuse was not only at the hands of my father but as well several other perpetrators who were in my life growing up. Yes I have accepted that I was ritually abused in a church where God was supposed to be about love and peace yet everything was distorted about evil verses good and I was subjected to terrible abuses done not only to me but also in front of me.. I accept all of that and I know I am in a better place now. What I have avoided doing all these years is getting in touch with and feeling the feelings from all that garbage. The baggage that I thought I had put down long ago and walked away from has obviously been delivered at my doorstep for me to look at once again and to process the old and take with me new messages and new learning’s. I feel like I am walking through the fire right now...

I know in my head all the things required in order to heal from all this abuse. I know in my intellect that I am worth it and that it wasn’t my fault and that I am not bad inside but let me tell you... the insides parts of me don’t really believe that. The inside parts of where my heartaches the most that hold all those old feelings just can’t connect the heart with my intellect. The little girl inside of me is still just as fearful as she was when the abuse was happening. She holds all the memories of the ritual abuse and the intense fear. When she is triggered she honestly feels that they are coming after her because she has talked about and told about the abuse and what they did to her. She was threatened many times that she would be killed if she told and it was proven to her over and over again by them actually killing something in front of her and letting her know they had the power to do it to her. She believed them because she saw it with her own eyes. Her intense fear is real. My job as an adult is to convince this small child within me to believe that she is safe and that we don’t live there anymore. We are safe and it IS okay to tell and to speak the truth about what was done to her. I have an angry teenage part of me that took the brunt of the sexual abuse by my father. He really did a number on her because she is so filled with anger and hurt and pain and mistrust. It has almost damaged every aspect of her being. She is speaking and telling her truths for the first time after holding it for so many years. She knows he is dead but she still feels all the damage that he caused her. She was told she was nothing but trash. She was told that she deserved to be raped because she was a little whore. Her father threatened to take her away and sell her body to other men to make money for him. She was passed around from home to home where she felt she never fit in anywhere. She called herself the throw away kid. She was rejected over and over and never given any love unless it was attached to some form of sexual abuse. Her body did not belong to her and it was used like a degraded animal. She is going through major major pain right now because she is reliving every single thing that he made her feel.

I don’t always know how to give her comfort because quite honestly I have been afraid of that part of myself for years which is exactly why I have suppressed it in order not to feel all these overwhelming feelings. But that is exactly what I am doing right now for when I am in touch with the scared little girl inside me and the angry teenager inside me. I am feeling every single thing that they felt back then when the abuse was going on. I know this stuff is hard to read about and it is even harder for me to talk about but unless I can release all this and purge it from my body and my heart and my mind, it is going to continue to hurt me.

I am angry that I have to go through all this shit again. I am angry that my abusers are dead and I am left here still dealing with all of this huge pile of shit. I am angry that nobody protected me. I am angry that nothing was ever done to stop any of the abusers even when they knew about what was going on. I am angry and hurt that this abuse has had this effect on me for all of my life. I know my life is good now I know I have people who love me I know I have tons of people who care about me but still at the end of the day I still feel incredibly alone and nobody can change or take this pain in my heart that I feel inside away. Lovie can try to wish it away for me all she wants. Mom can listen to me and try to comfort me. But the pain is still inside of me and it hurts like you would not believe. It feels like it is consuming me and overwhelming me. When that happens the bad thoughts start creeping in… old things that I used to cope with this before that didn’t work and wasn’t healthy. I know that I can’t drink this away. I know that I can’t drug this away. I know that I can’t cut this away. I know that I cannot kill or hurt myself to make this go away. If I chose to do those things that I have done in the past I am letting my abusers win and I will fight like hell to never let that happen. Too much was already taken from me. My childhood, my innocence, my first moments of joy in discovering so many things… were all stripped and taken from me and that is something that I will never be able to get back again.

I am struggling everyday to not break down. It isn’t working. I cry when I get up in the morning I cry when I am driving I cry at work I cry driving home and I cry myself to sleep most nights. You would think I would not have this many tears but still they come. I am trying to do the things I know to take care of myself. I am writing and talking. After four or five weeks of feeling this way, I have finally decided to see a therapist which I have never been thrilled about doing. I have always prided myself on being able to do this stuff alone. I did do a major portion of healing alone when I was getting all my flashbacks and reliving the memories but I left a key component out—the feelings… now I know why—they suck! It hurts like hell to feel this stuff. It feels like I want to die and it feels like I am dying going through this…I already lived through the abuse and survived it… I just have to be willing to feel it now. Mom says you won’t die from crying and you won’t die from the feelings. All feelings are good even though they do feel like shit. I’ve done the therapist route once and it was okay at times and times it really sucked so we will see how it goes. I just know I cannot do this alone anymore. Knowing that I can’t do it alone triggers old messages that I am defective or something and I am trying to fight those old messages as well. I know I have got to reach out for help and I know I will find my true spirit and self worth again and will be stronger for it. Right now I am not feeling strong at all. I feel like I am falling apart.. I know this will pass and I will see the light again …I just wish it would hurry up and get here like yesterday.

I knew that this was going to be a year of change for me…but little did I know that it would be of this magnitude. After all I have been kidding myself for years that I was all done with this stuff… Uhhhh ….yeah right….that would be a big NO!

So here I am baring my soul and reaching out however I can to continue to heal. As I said before I was hesitant about posting this…but peeps this is as raw and real as it gets and I know that by not being afraid to put it out there on the table...it may just help someone else so… here it is... PolarB exposed…. raw and in the flesh. Ugly to look at but it is being real and honest about where I am in my life right now… This stream has been know for a lot of soul baring anyway so a little more wont hurt right?

So folks that is it in a nutshell. I will continue to post and write but be warned it may not be my typical happy happy. But it will most definitely be who and where I am as I continue to heal.

PolarB ;(

I wanted to post this picture because it is one of my favorites of me. I would rather you see and remember this face verses any other ones. This was taken three years ago in happier times for me. Lovie and I were in Florida down in St Pete celebrating our 20th anniversary. We will be celebrating 23 years in November. Lovie and I still love each other very much and there are no issues there. She has always shown me love and support no matter what I am going through.
This is one of those times I am going through major emotional stuff that is extremely painful and hard on me. I have to tell you I am really struggling from day to day. I know that people love me and I know I have friends that care but right now I feel more alone than I have in a very long time. There are tons of thoughts that roam through my head and none of them are good. I dont know how I got here but even though I have tons of people in my life I realized that I have no close friends anymore. You know...like a best friend that you can talk to and share things with. I have Lovie but some of the things I need to talk about she has a hard time with. She means well but she does not want to see me hurting like this so I choose not to share in order to protect here from his awful hurt I feel inside. I have a wonderful mother who I love dearly that I talk to but I cannot unload all of this stuff on her either even though she does understand. It isnt fair to her and she does have her life and other kids too that need her. I feel like I have been utterly and totally dependant on her for my emotional needs and that just isnt fair. I need to build support so that I am not totally dependant on just one person.
I struggle with this stream sometimes because I want to post happy funny stuff and have a good time on here and be supportive of you guys too but right now I cant do that. This overwhelming hurt is consuming me right now. I was trying to decided if I even wanted to post this but I decided to because it is the truth and it is where I am right now. I know this stuff will pass. I've been through it before but right now I am just hurting like Hell and just needed to let someone...anyone.... know how I was feeling. I am having a hard time getting through each day. Yesterday was not a good day. Today so far does not appear to be good either. I need support. I need... I need alot of things right now.

I would rather you see the face in the picture than the one I carry today.

That's really all I have to say for now.

Greetings from my bear den.....

This is my little den I sit in when I am connected to all of you. It is fairly comfortable. It is also my art room/office. I am in it everyday at some point and on the weekends I spend hours and hours on the little box. I have four paintings that I am working on right now. I have never worked much with oil paints but I am trying my hand at it...

Gee.. taking a look around.. I probably need to tidy up the place a bit and get rid of those old magazines stuck over in the corner. Hmmmmmmm.... I should probably go through all my old papers too and purge a bit to make room for new papers. LOL! Actually I have so much of my writings from years that need to be organized and filed...Maybe when I am off for a while I will find the time to do that.

I have got to get Lovie to check out the connection upstairs so we can get this computer moved up there. I still say it is going in Sophie's room. She wont mind a bit I am sure as she likes to sit up on the desk and watch the things move on the computer screen anyway.... Poor girl is getting up in age and not doing too well but I am to make her as happy as a kitty can be. It's not like she isnt already spoiled to death anyway. After all she has her own room and bathroom even!

Well... kiddies... I gots to get busy doing some work so I will see you soon.

Tootles!

Love,
PolarB ;)

This is something I found today and it just fits perfectly with something that is going on in my life right at this moment....

 

 

This is dedicated to R and LT...

you complete me and make me feel whole. Thank you for being who you are and being there for me always.

 

 

Hello bloggerville.

I thought since I recently redecorated The Inner Sanctum that I would also do a little cleaning and sprucing up the place. I was amazed at how many bookmarks I have gathered over this last year and even more surprising to me how many I have not visited in a long while. With that being said I decided to go down my list of bookmarks and visit some of the pages to see what was up with all these people. Half of them I found had been deactivated and or had not posted in many many months so I took the opportunity to clean up my bookmarks list. It is alot shorter now and maybe I wont find it so daunting to visit every person on my list now. Well that will also depend of how much time I have to devote to visiting everyone's sites. Sometimes when you get home from work after a long day and only have a couple hours before bed... well time gets away from you. Honestly I think I could blog 8 hours a day... but time just wont let me. There is a living to be made and the bills wont pay themselves you know.

I ran across an old friend who had disappeared for a long long time. She has been posting again recently and for that I am glad. She is not allowing comments at this moment but at least I can read about what is going on her life now. I really missed her when she left because her blog postings really gave me alot to think about-- So Sarah if you are reading this- Welcome back Babe!

Time waits for no one and everyone gets busy in their lives. What may have started out as something enjoyable and fun may not be so fun anymore because of alot of reasons. I think that is what happenes to alot of bloggers who up and disappear. Some will be with us a long time and others we dont miss at all when they slowly fade out of site. Not that that is being mean or anything but in some cases it's the bloggers who were nasty to other people that we love and care about so we are glad to see the trouble makers go.

Blogging has meant alot of different things to many people. Some people use it to bring a smile to someone else's face. Some use it to chronicle their daily lives and just to have a place to go. Some use it because they are lonely and it may be the only connection they have to another human being or the outside world ..even if it isnt face to face- they still are able to reach out. Some use it to vent their pain and their frustrations with the world and the injustices in their lives. Some use it as their sounding board so that the world knows their opinion of politics and religion. Some simply use it to connect with this wonderful community. I think at times I have used it for all the above reasons. But one thing I do know is I am glad I came across this site.

When I started hearing the word BLOG and BLOGGING I didnt have a clue what that even was. I got an email from someone and connected to her site and saw a section that said blog...so I decided to check it out. I found it was like a daily diary of sorts that you could write whatever you wanted in it. That intrigued me. I have spents years and years writing my thoughts and feelings, trials and tribulation down in downbooks. I did it for about ten years and it has been nice to go back and re-read some of the stuff I wrote because I can see how far I have truly come into my own and how my life has evolved. I love using the computer and I thought what a better way for me to continue my journaling experience than by the computer. So I did a search on Yahoo for blogs and lo and behold Blogstream is the first site that I came to. It said FREE- Blogging for everybody! Create your own account now...So I did! I am so glad that I did too!

From the very first days of my posts when I started getting comments and found that I liked this new blogging thing, I also found so much more. I have found a sense of community. I have found a place where I feel at home. I have found many many wonderful friends and a virtual family that I truly care about. I have found a place where I feel like I belong. I have found acceptance. I have found support and yes even love.

For this kid...one who felt like I never really belonged anywhere -that has been the most precious gift of all.

Thank you for making me feel like I fit. Thank you for making me feel loved and supported. Thank you for being there when I needed an ear to listen to me. We all have ups and downs but this place is one place that I know if I am feeling blue or down or sad or hurt -I know I have friends here who will lift me up with their kind words and comments. They will encourage me to keep going and to stand strong. There is tremendous kindness here flowing through the stream. There is much love and caring and concern for each other here on the stream. And yes there is much laughter and tears here too. I cannot tell you how many times you all have me smiling and laughing out loud as I sit and stare at this little box as we share with one another our lives.

I think that is really quite amazing really when you think about it. I know CC talks about it and the power of this community here. The magic... The healing energy that flows within these waters of our beloved Stream. But it is true. The gift of this connection that we have with one another IS really amazing. This coonection that we have with one another even though we have never met face to face and in some cases dont even know what the other looks like. Yet the connection is still there because it is our souls that are connecting... It's the web of life that connects you to me and me to you.

Maybe today I am needing to feel that connection and I do. Sometimes when I start writing I have a whole other intention in my writings but it goes somewhere else of it's own force.. That is a good thing I think.. For it is my soul speaking... I will just bask in that knowledge and enjoy the connections that I feel with all of you.

Have a great Sunday my friends.

Much love,
PolarB ;)