Hello there my peeps.
I was thinking tonight that I wanted to write some but first I wanted to update you on my knee. I am waiting for the doctor to call me back to let me know when they have my injections ready. They most likely are fighting with insurance for them to pay for it. Then once they obtain them, we do the three shots for three weeks and then wait for approximately 2 weeks to see if it has relieved the pain any… then we will schedule the knee replacement surgery. I am just ready to have it over and done with. I have resigned myself that it will be much better when I get it done and I can start recovery once again. Currently I have given in and am walking with a cane and I have a handicapped parking permit temporarily until this is all over. It hurts my pride more than anything. Here I am a strong survivor yet now people will see me as weak and invalid. I hate it. It has nothing to do with my inner spirit but people always see outer appearances at first anyway. I know I know.... it does not matter what people think because I know what is inside. Maybe it's the fact that it makes me feel vulnerable and weak and I don’t like feeling that way ever. Feeling that way tends to make me feel powerless. That doesn't feel good to me...
I have to admit to that I am not overjoyed at the thoughts of having to stay in the hospital for four days. I am a big chicken shit…yes you heard me right...let me repeat it for you….I am a chicken shit. I do not like staying in unfamiliar places because it makes me feel unsafe. Yes… the big ole powerful white bear has plenty of fears and I am not afraid to admit that. I have fears that if I am in an unfamiliar place and I fall asleep that I will wake up with someone standing over me. I know where that fear comes from and it is justified but it still doesn’t change it. At home I know I am safe.. I have locks on my doors, and a damn good security system. At the unlikely event that someone does get inside my house…well I have measures for that too. A plan of action you might say…I am vigilant about keeping the doors locked and I am comfortable in my own home because of the measures we have taken. But in a hospital, that is a whole another ball of wax. I don’t know who is roaming the halls at night or even in the daytime for that fact.
I don’t typically watch any type of scary movies especially where a deranged killer is on the loose… we have enough of that for real in everyday life and I don’t need to watch more of it on a big screen. Anyway.. I happened to watch a movie on TV a long time ago where you flip through the channels to see what’s on and then you start watching a movie that’s already half over. Well this movie was about a killer in …yes you guessed it….a hospital …..who was going around killing patients and stalking the nurses to boot. As I said that is not my kind of movie so indeed I turned it off but I saw enough that it stuck with me. Now believe me I have enough of my own fears that I have had to deal with without adding another one, but here we go and it is coming up whether I want it to or not.
They say that you can ease your fears by talking about them. So guess what??? You are my sounding board for tonight. How do you like them cookies? Okay I am being facetious now…but I am allowed...it is MY blog posting after all right?
I have only stayed in the hospital one other time in my life and that was for a surgery too where I had to stay two nights. But Lovie, the precious woman that she is, stayed right by my side and slept in the chair all night. The problem is that the hospital I will be going to does not allow anyone to stay overnight and I think they adhere to the visiting hours pretty much which does not do a whole hell of a lot to ease my fears. So…. what to do…. what to do……..?
Tell myself to grow up and get over it? Yeah well if that worked and it were that simple don’t ya think I wouldda done that already? Yes I am 41 years old, but you know what? I still have that little kid inside of me who gets my attention every once in a while and needs comforting too. All a part of healing… See that is the thing. No matter how old I am or how evolved I have become spiritually and mentally and physically, I will still always have my own little unique issues and fears… I don’t know if that ever totally leaves no matter how much healing you do in your life… But that is okay... I accept that… I accept me and that’s just all part of who I am.
Healing takes many turns sometimes and leads us down many paths. There is no right or wrong way to heal whatever it is that is bothering you or preventing you from living free. It is whatever works for you. So many times in my healing recovery from the abuse, people would say, you have to do this or you have to do that....Nope... I just have to do what works for me and the things that I connect with might not be the same things that work for you. The good thing is we are all wonderfully individualized and we always have choices huh? That’s why I am choosing to expose myself to you, (“Don’t look Ethel!”) and talk about my fears… Maybe it will help to release them and send them off into the yonder blue skies of peace and serenity.
And speaking of exposing myself…… No peeps, I have not forgotten to post a Question of the Day in my” What IF” series…… Along that same train of thought- CHOO- CHOO... Let’s lighten the mood a bit…. Here is today’s question.
What would you do if you were in a public area and lost your bathing suit while swimming?
HUgs to you!
PolarB ;)
