I was going through some of my old poems that I wrote many years ago and wanted to post a couple. The first one is one I wrote early in my journey called "Wounded Child" and the second one called "Spirit" was written after I did a good chunk of my healing process and was just beginning to find my spiritual connection. "Spirit" has great deal of meaning for me because for a long time I was very angry at the Great Spirit as I called it in my Native American tradition because some of the worst abuse I suffered as a child happened in God's house by a group of people supposedly serving him. It took me many years to realize this was not of God but came from truly evil people serving another entity entirely. I feel blessed that I am able to feel the presence of the Great Spirit and know that I am a child of God that is wonderful who deserves to be loved and the connection I have now is life giving and nurturing and feeds my soul.
I don't know exactly why this is so much on my mind today maybe because I am feeling my soul open up. As I said this is a year of new beginnings for me and being open to my abilities and gifts. I guess I am feeling a movement of energy within me and a need to realign my spirit and my very being. I guess it's not for me to question... just follow my path - I hope you enjoy the poems....

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Wounded Child

Remembering, hurting,
feeling the pain of what used to be.
Not wanting to believe it to be true,
yet knowing deep down that it is.
So much darkness then.
Feeling the darkness now.
Again feeling that uneasy feeling
in the pit of my stomach.
Remembering what it was like
to be so deathly afraid and vulnerable.
Hating the fear that comes with the memories
hating the memories themselves,
but wanting it to all come out
knowing that once the poisonous thorn
is pulled out of my tender skin,
it will eventually start to heal
the wounds of my childhood.
I desire to feel the peace that can be mine
and to heal the wounds that were
inflicted so many years ago.
My inner child cries softly as she
cowers down into her safe corner.
"Come, my child,
I will take your small hand in my own.
Together we can do this.
They can't hurt us now, we are safe.
Together we can heal the wounds
of our innocent childhood
and finally be free.
Come, my child...
We will be free."

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Spirit

I reach an outstretched hand
towards the heavens hoping
to feel your presence.
I search diligently near and far.
I look in the vastness of the sea
and feel the ocean spray bathing me.
I look to the sun that warms me with it's rays
that glide down from blue skies to touch the earth.
I feel the texture of the sand and the rich soil
as I dig my hands down deep into the earthy ground.
I see the simplicity of a tiny blade of grass,
alive and growing, sprouting upwards,
reaching all around me.
I hear the bird's beautiful songs
being sung sweetly to me.
I listen to the tall old trees sweeping and swaying
as they creak and rock, solid and strong,
well rooted and deeply grounded.
I look to the moon and the thousands of stars
that twinkle brightly in the blackened night sky.
I feel a part of this universe...
Grand or small, I feel you in all these things.
I feel you in the presence of angels,
their wings flapping softly around me
stirring a breeze to blow gently across my face.
I feel you and know you are smiling down upon me.
Your love radiates all around me and
makes me feel safe and loved.
I can feel your presence all around me....
Finally, I feel you...

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-PolarB ;)

Happy Sunday to you!

At least the sun is shining today- makes the winter days all the more bearable. I am not a great winter person. Being a polar bear I know you are amazed at that, however I prefer the sun and warm days...I love the snow only around the holidays and then I am done with it. Part of that comes from the fact I am getting older and my bones don't like the cold either. Dem bones start talking to me and complaining when it gets cold! Lovey says today- do you think winter is over and it will warm up soon? Yeah - in your dreams- we typically have three more months of this cold stuff to go. We do have moments of bright days though and I love that.
We or I should say Lovey rearranged our living room furniture Friday and with the Christmas tree down and all the clutter put away it brightens the room up quite a bit- Change is good- it revitalizes the spirit... I told Lovey that I would like to have more simplicity in our lives and less clutter. I think we need to reconnect more with one another too. Not that we aren't but everyone has moments in their relationships -especially if they are long term relationships that they feel sometimes distant from one another or into our own thoughts and feelings. Relationships take effort sometimes and one of our commitments for this new year is to treat one another nicer and with more respect and not do our tiffing as much. We aren't really mean to one another but we do get into little spats more frequently and it is to the point of not feeling good when that happens. So we have come up with a code to each other to let us know if we are starting to walk along that edge. We will see how it works. I really do love the woman with all my heart, but I am feeling the need to work harder on our relationship. Everyone goes through these phases I know....
We had a lovely day yesterday- Went to the movies and saw Narnia which I have to say is the best movie I have seen in a very long time. It may just possibly be my new favorite movie. On Golden Pond used to be my absolute favorite movie of all time but I think I may have to make room for Narnia. I could definately go back today and see it again in a heartbeat! It was that good. Lovey and I went from the theater to spend some time at the bookstore. It is one of our favorite things to do. Get a specialty coffee and gather good books or magazines to look at and just chill for a while with each other. We ended up buying the Narnia complete book series. We both really loved it! After we did the bookstore thing we went out to dinner and then came home to watch the 2nd season of L word DVD's that we just bought. I am hooked on that show. It's one of my guilty pleasures in life. Lovey headed to bed about 12 last night and I got on the ole box here until about 2:30 am. I love playing with my new MahJong games. It intriques me and the more challenging the better.
All and all it was a great day yesterday.----

After reading some blogs today and thinking about resolutions- I don't really do them but I do want to do some things differently in this new year- they are- 1) To be more gentle and be aware of what I am putting out to others and nurture my relationships 2) To reduce the clutter in my life and strive for simplicity 3) To allow my spiritual self to grow and thrive- meaning meditate more and do the things that I know are good for my spiritual self and well being. 4) To accept my gifts and abilities with grace and loving light- be free to be me.

Sounds like a plan to me... and with that I think I will stop writing now otherwise I could probably go on forever.

Love & Light
PolarB ;)

Hello streamers-

I thought I would just write whatever is on my mind today.... Slept great last night- sometimes I don't so it feels really good when I do. I spent most of the day with Mama Bear yesterday and that is always good. Last night we ended the evening by relaxing in the hot tub for a while- what a wonderful thing that is and it just melts me which is probably why I slept so good last night. Gotta definitely get one of those things eventually.
We had our drumming circle last night and that was a very spiritual experience for me. It is one of the things that feeds my soul. For those of you who don't know what a drumming circle is, I can explain a bit to you. Drumming circles have been around for many centuries and it is used in a lot of different cultures and for different purposes and in many different ways. They have been known to be used in Chinese cultures, African cultures, Wiccan practices and a lot of lesbian groups are now forming drumming circles...and of course what is near and dear to my own heart- Native American cultures. For anyone interested you can do an online search through Yahoo or Google and it will bring up various information for you.
Our particular drumming circle is Native American based and more like a healing spiritual circle. It is all women, but not because we exclude men, it is only because none have come. Mama Bear usually leads the circle however I do as well sometimes. Last night was one of those times. Last night was a very spiritual experience for me and you could feel the energy in the room and it last well after the circle was closed.
We have a setting and add the four elements that represent fire, water, air and earth. We smudge the area to clear out any negativity. Smudging is the common name given to the sacred smoke bowl blessing It is a powerful cleansing technique from Native American traditions. It calls on the spirits of the sacred plants (Sage) to drive away negative energies and to restore balance. It is cleansing the environment or area and yourself for purification and cleansing.

We usually start out with music and a prayer to open the circle. The prayer I use goes like this- "Great Spirit, we open up this circle and ask that you come into this circle to restore our souls giving us balance and harmony. We ask that our spirit guides and angels come into the circle and that our power animals give us the wisdom and the guidance and protection that we need. We ask that the four directions be with us. The Spirit of the East, the place of the rising sun, we ask for clarity and enlightenment- We ask for unconditional love and to know our greater purpose in life. The Spirit of the South, We ask for the warmth of the noonday sun to open our hearts and to renew the trust and innocence of the group. We ask to learn of emotion and passion and humility. Spirit of the West, we call forth the setting sun to carry us into the deeper recesses of looking within our souls. We ask for introspection and healing and the ability to listen. Spirit of the North, the quiet calm of midnight where experience becomes wisdom, we ask for compassion to live our lives with an open heart and to continue to learn and share our wisdom with others. We ask Mother Earth to be here with us that you hold and support this circle with patience and nurturing for our souls. Spirit of our ancestors- the Grandmothers and Grandfathers bring comfort and wisdom to this circle- Mitakuye oyasin- Ho!

Then we drum usually the first time to music then the second time with just the drums or rattles or shakers. The drumbeat connects to each of our hearts and actually represents the beating of the heart and the connection to Mother Earth. It is an amazing experience. No matter how many times I am part of a drumming circle I am always amazed at how we all start out beating our drums in totally different beats and rhythms however within a minute or two it all comes together to create a beautiful beat like the beating our hearts come together. You can feel the power and the energy in the room- it vibrates. Many times it is only three or four of us drumming but the sounds and the beats are as if we have been joined by all the ancestors and they are right there with us in the circle. You can feel their calming presence. It is such an awesome spiritual experience. Very rarely do I chant or sing however last night my guide Grandmother Sun told me to open up my mouth and sing. I am not a singer but what came through me was a beautiful song. I don’t know the words or the meaning but it was a blessing and filled my whole being with such a feeling that was so powerful and spirit moving that it was awesome. I was literally shaking with the spirit and feeling such a peace from within. Amazing what happens when you open yourself up and listen to your guides. Sometimes I resist because I know I have abilities within me that are not of me but are coming through me. Sometimes that seems scary to me but if I follow my heart and stay along my path great things will come to me. I have been told that by my guides. It only takes me listening and opening myself up to a greater good. The Great Spirit works in wondrous ways.

We pass around a talking stick so that only the person holding the stick should be talking. We can bring anyone into the circle that needs healing or a blessing. You can also bring items to be blessed into the circle. We each say what we would like to leave in the circle and what we would like to take away from the circle. This can be things such as you wanting to leave a negative situation or a problem or maybe your fears. By leaving it at the circle we are free to let it go and to be released to heal or resolve the issue or situation or feeling. Then we take away something to go away with us like peace or clarity or strength we may need to carry into our lives. We will usually then journey which is too long to explain the process here but it is like a deep meditative state that you go into to receive a message or healing or whatever it is that you need from our power animals or guides. I will do a post later sometimes in the future about the journey experience. After that we listen to a song and sing if you want to and then we close the circle with another prayer thanking the spirits and all of our ancesters and power animals and guides for their protection and wisdom and for being there with us and we thank the four directions and Mother Earth and we ask that the Great Spirit walk with us in the greater circle of life. - Mitakuye oyasin- Ho! ( Mitakuye oyasin means all our relations or all our relatives or in general all of the people in the world- Ho is like saying Amen.)

(If you want to know more about this Native American experience there are two excellent books called The Smudging and Blessings Book by Jane Alexander, and Rainbow Medicine by Wolf Moondance that explains a little more about this Native American tradition and or other ceremonies. There is another great book called Totems by Brad Steiger that explains animal guides better. Mother Earth Spirituality by Ed McGaa, Eagle Man is another great book I use. Jamie Sams is another great author and I use her books a lot which help me to stay on my Native American path.)
I don’t think when I started this post that I was going to take this direction but I am glad I did… I am going to continue to walk my path and be open to the gifts I have within me and try not to fear the abilities that I know I have. This is a year of new beginnings for me so maybe it is high time I start accepting what I know is my truth.

Well, I’m off to enjoy my day- We are heading to the movies to see Narnia and then Lovey and I are going to head to the bookstore afterwards and just enjoy one of their delightful coffees and relax for a bit. Kind of like a date night thing but we are going enjoy it all day long!

Have a relaxing Saturday and I will catch up with you streamers later!

Love and Light to each of you!
PolarB ;)

Native Child

I can't fight these feelings anymore
My body crashes to the shore
as I felt the undercurrents
pulling at my soul wanting to take me under
to the darkness and to the bowels of Hell....
I remember I am no longer there....
I am no longer a child
who was frightened and hurt terribly.
If I were to take a glance in the mirror
I would see a grown woman
who is strong and self assured
but that is only the mask...

For when you unveil the woman
behind the mask
you see a little girl looking back at you
with eyes of wonder.
Eyes that if you peer into her soul
she is ancient and appears cracked
and ready to crumble...
But underneath her layers
is the inside part of her-

Her core is solid
Her core is strong
Her core contains her beating heart
that connects her to this earth
so that the currents can't ever
pull her under the tide.
She is a little warrior
She is a native child.

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PolarB ;) 12/28/05

Letting Go...

Letting go
Can be hard-
The things we hold on to
that aren't necessarily healthy for us
although it is the familiar...
Reaching out and opening our eyes
to what can be...
Reaching out to grasp that golden ring
that seems just out of our grip.
We take a baby step and stumble
but we get back up to try and try again
until we are able to master the steps confidently
until we are able to run free into the wind.

Letting go seems so hard at first
because it is a risk that feels scary
and a risk means change
and with change comes fear...
But if we can get over the fear
the way becomes clear and
once we are able to let go
we wonder why it seemed so hard
and why we resisited in the first place.

Change is never easy
But nothing worth it ever is.
Letting go takes courage
and changing means new beginnings...

Open your eyes child and let your soul run free.

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PolarB ;) 12/26/05