Some Days.....

Some days I want to scream
from the top of my lungs

To empty out the feelings
all bottled up inside

Some days I want to run
to the ends of the earth

To chase away the demons
and let my soul take flight

Some days I want to crawl inside myself
and leave this world behind

Some days I think I might
But then something happens

And then I see the light...

PolarB - 12/20/05

Things I do for my spirit….

I like Hailey’s word that she uses to describe feeling out of sorts- discombobulated…
I have felt discombobulated many times in my life and when I start to feeling that way, I know it is time to do things that will help center and ground me.

The last time I felt my spirit draining and drifting, I sat down and started thinking about all the things I could do for myself to help my spirit. I actually came up with a pretty good list. I thought I would write about some of those things. Not that I need them right at this moment but I can use this list as a reference for the times I do feel so discombobulated and maybe it will help others in the process.

I will list them first then talk about them…

1. Breathe
2. Listen to the silence
3. Surround myself in nature
4. Do some artwork
5. Listen to relaxing music
6. Meditate
7. Write in my Journal
8. Get lost in a book
9. Reflect
10. Drum
11. Journey
12. Talk to someone
13. Take me time
14. Sing
15. Listen to my inner guides
16. Take a candlelit bath
17. Go for a walk
18. Read my healing workbooks
19. Watch a comedy
20. Ask my power animal for help

Okay, breathing- it seems like such a simple thing but really when I am feeling out of sorts from within, I tend to breathe very shallow, so I need to be reminded to take deep cleansing breaths that bring in good energy and release the bad negative ones.

Although some people are not comfortable in silence, I am. It is then that I can hear my own heart beat and it connects to my spirit and the earth and lets me know I am alive. I am the type of person that would love to go on a week long retreat of silence. I value and appreciate the peace that it has to offer me. In my noise filled world, I crave it.

Nature- now that just feeds my spirit- always has, always will. There is nothing I like better than being in nature whether by the ocean, on a mountaintop, or in a quiet cove on a lake, or sitting on a stump in a grove of trees. It all feeds my spirit. It is then that I realize the beauty the Great Spirit has created for us and I feel the closest to his infinite wisdom and unconditional love.

Artwork- it connects me to my creativity. I get lost in the process and it releases all those energies that block my spirit. There is something to be said for creating things with your hands… it’s kind of like gardening… getting your hands down into the earth feeling the richness of what it has to offer and then watching the beauty of life as the flower grows and blossoms. That’s how I feel about artwork. Funny at times because I never knew this creativity existed inside me until I began to heal the wounded parts of myself. Sometimes it blows me away that this was hidden within for so many years. Artwork encompasses many forms and mediums too, including painting with watercolors and oils, pastels, clay sculpting, drawing and colored pencils, collage, my photography….. I love them all….
It lets my spirit soar…

Music- I’ve already talked about before in another post…

Writing in my journal is always good because it allows me let all my feelings out in a safe environment- writing poetry, writing article, writing fiction, whatever it is…Writing in general is just good for my soul, and in case you didn’t notice, I enjoy it as well.

Reading or getting lost in a book is good for me sometimes. I used it as an escape growing up and it certainly still works for me still, but I have to be in a mood to read…

Meditating is good but I don’t do it on a regular basis so sometimes I have a hard time relaxing enough to do it. I have some great visualization books and have made myself some tapes to use but it isn’t the same listening to my own voice, as some of my other meditation tapes. Journeying is a type of meditation that is Native American based… It is a much deeper level of meditation where you experience another realm of being…Shamans or medicine men would use the journey process to heal tribe members.
I use journeying to find answers from my spirit guides and my power animal. Because it can be detailed and longer to explain, I will write a post in the near future on my journeying experiences as well as drumming.

Drumming definitely connects me to the earth and it seems to be becoming more popular and accepted and it is used in a lot of different realms. Drumming has been around forever in many cultures and is used in many different ways. For me, It is Native American based and when I drum it connects me to the beating of my heart. I will post more at a later date.

Some of the other things on my list are self explanatory… I like combining them most times… Like listening to music while doing artwork outside, or taking a candlelit bath while reading a book, or drumming and journeying, talking to my power animal and spirit guides.

Those are just some of the things I do for me to guide and center my body and spirit back to the earth. It’s great for my spirit and that’s a good thing.

What do you do for your spirit?

PolarB ;)

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Here is a Christmas card for you! Just copy and paste to view.

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=0212320003

Happy Holidays!


PolarB ;)

Had to add some humor in here when life gets serious!
It's a Sunday afternoon and I have been a busy little beaver this morning- I finished wrapping the Christmas presents, baked two kinds of cookies -Peanut Butter and Elfin Bites which are yummy- Gonna take them to work tomorrow and spread a little cheer. Every year at work, I organize a cookie exchange for the holidays. Some years we have had 20 something participants but I am in a new department and we have 11 people in our team. 9 of them are participating this year and it is kinda new to them so we will see how it goes. I love to cook and seem to have a natural talent for it. Not so much any gourmet type cooking but just good down home sop your plate up good cooking....my grandmother was the same way...In that respect I am glad I inherited those qualities. I love to cook rich tasting foods. Like pumpkin cheesecake, or califlower cheesey soup, or fettechini with alfrado sauce and shrimp.... Yummy! Lovey loved that I am a good cook but with my working hours I don't cook nearly as often as I used to. But I love the holidays and making good satifying meals to die for!

I will share my Peanut Butter recipe with you.

PolarB’s Peanut Butter Cookies

½ cup Peanut Butter
½ cup Butter
½ cup white sugar
½ cup brown sugar
1 egg
½ tsp vanilla
1¼ cups flour
¾ tsp baking soda
¼ tsp salt

Cream butters together, add in sugars and the egg and then the vanilla. Blend together well. Add all the dry ingredients and mix well. Roll a tsp full into balls and flatten with a fork gently. Bake 350* about 8 minutes or until golden brown.
Let cool completely then dig in!

They are melt in your mouth delicious! Crispy and light and full of flavor.- My Elfin bites are little squares that are shortbread cookies with the little colored candy dots in them. They also melt in your mouth and make you want more.

Well- gonna go surf for a while, but I found a cute picture that I wanted to post especially for Scratch since he is up to his eyeballs in snows- This is for you Scratch- Enjoy!



Love you all!- Stay warm and don't let ole Jack nip at you toes too much... unless of course you are into that kinda thing!- Later Gaters!

-PolarB ;)

Me & Mama Bear

I know that many of you already know my Mama Bear through the stream here and many have already come to know what a wonderful loving spirit she has, but I wanted to tell you how I met her and how she came to be such a wonderful Mom to me.

Back in 1992 I started on a journey that would change my life forever. It was one of those defining moments in life where you come to a fork in the road and you need to choose one path or another. This was one of those times. I could no longer go on living my life the way I had been because quite simply my mind and my memories would not allow me to do that. It became very evident to me that I had no choice but to deal with the effects of my abusive past that began the first 17 years of my life. I could either chose to self destruct, which at times crossed my mind and nearly became the choice several times throughout my journey… or I could chose to look at my past head on and try to repair and heal the damage that had been done. I chose to heal…

Let me just tell you that this journey has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life, but as well it has been the most rewarding and spiritual experiences too.
So I began a long uphill climb…I hunkered down, did the research, gathered books and information and started this journey alone. Because I had so much shame, guilt and feelings of worthlessness, I felt I had to walk this path alone. After about a year of walking alone, I became weary and I opened a wee crack of my caged self and glimpsed out into the world. I found that there were others like me and lo and behold, they had formed groups to talk about their pain and their experiences and they supported one another on their journeys. I found a phone number to get info for this group.

It took me about a week to even have the courage to pick up the phone and dial the number. I rehearsed what I would say and finally talked myself into feeling it was safe to say the words over the phone. A woman answered. I told her I was an incest survivor and heard about the support groups and wanted to know more. She told me there was a waiting list but as soon as the next group opened up that she would call me. She asked me for some info. I was tempted to hang up because the fear was just so intense that it crossed my mind that if I gave them my name and number that my abusers would know I had told and they would come after me. Yes, although it may be hard to believe, the fear is that intense and however irrational or unlikely that my fears would be realized, it’s hard to dispel that kind of intense fear. But I took a major risk and gave her my info.

It was probably about a month later when I got a call. It was the same woman I had spoken with and she told me she was the facilitator of the group that would be starting. She gave time the time and the place. If you think I was nervous making a phone call, I was absolutely horrified at walking into a strange place and telling them anything about me. So I waited nervously for the day to arrive and when it did, my lovey had to drive me because I could not do it. I was a wreck. I walked in and this woman came over and told me her name and said she was the one I had spoke to on the phone. She welcomed me and asked me if I wanted any tea or something to drink. I didn’t… I felt like I was going to throw up. I was terrified to say the least.
The meeting started and there were about 10 to 12 women there including me. I sat there thinking how normal everyone looked. They went around the room and you could talk if you wanted to. I didn’t… I couldn’t… I was too afraid to utter a word so I just listened. But one thing I realized was that I was definitely not alone. Every one of these women had been either sexually and or physically abused as a child or had been sexually assaulted early in life. Much later, after I became friends with one of the women in the group, she said she sat next to me that first night and she could feel my whole body shaking and she thought “Oh, my God, this girl must have been through so much to be that fearful.” I literally sat there and was physically trembling because I was that afraid.

After the meeting was over I knew I was in the right place and the meetings would help me along in my healing. I was still very scared and the facilitator stood by the door as women were leaving. She noticed me and asked would you like a hug? I timidly said yes.
She gave me the best hug I had ever had. There was a sense of comfort and to me that hug symbolized something much more. It symbolized hope. Hope that I might just actually be okay… The woman that gave the hug was Mama Bear.

So I started going to the weekly support groups and developed a friendship with Mama B.
I didn’t talk for a long time but eventually and slowly I started opening up and sharing my story with others. Sometimes I would stay afterwards or go early so I could talk to Mama B. She was so comforting and reassuring to me. I would open up just a little bit more each time and no matter what I said or told her, she wasn’t repulsed or disgusted. She listened and told me it wasn’t my fault. Each time I waited for rejection, but it never came. Only comfort and understanding came.

About the same time, I decided to come out of the closet because someone at work had threatened to out me, however I was at the stage that I was still quite leery of telling people about being gay. So many secrets that I had kept inside for years, were all starting to come out. I made a decision that I would tell Mama B about being gay and yet another part of my life. I called her on the phone one night and told her I had something to tell her. She waited with patience and love. I finally managed to get it out and she said the most amazing thing to me. She said to me, “I am so honored that you would share that with me and that you trust me enough to tell me something that is so personal to you.” I expected to be rejected for sure and I got acceptance and love. It just blew me away.

Over the next year, we became closer and I came to the conclusion through therapy that my birth mother was never going to be who or what I needed, but that knowledge left a huge void in me. I never really had a mother in all my years and it was something I craved. I never got the nurturing care as a child nor had I ever been loved and held by a mother or even a substitute mother figure. I decided to go out on a limb and ask Mama B if she would be willing to fill that role for me. I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t really know what that would mean to me, but we talked and she said yes. She was honored and said we would see where it led us and just take it slow.

Well, that was almost thirteen years ago, and my Mama Bear is the best momma anyone could ever have. She is always there to listen to me, help and advise me, care about me, love me and nurture me, and I do the same for her as well. There have been times that I was sure she would abandon me but it never happened. I went through a real rough time for a while about six or seven years ago that I was drinking heavily in order to cope with some particularly difficult abuse issues and I told her that I thought I was an alcoholic. She said she would help me any way she could and that she loved me too much to let me destroy myself and that she would always be there for me no matter what. Again, all I have ever experienced in our relationship is unconditional love and acceptance. I stopped drinking, went to AA for a year, and found more positive and healthier ways of coping with my issues. Although I abused alcohol, I was not an alcoholic but even if I had been my momma would have never forsaken or abandoned me.

She encourages me everyday and she is there for me whenever I need her. If I am sad or hurting she allows me to cry and she holds and comforts me. We share so many things together, including our backgrounds, fun and laughter, our Native American beliefs, our spirituality and I know the Great Spirit above aligned us to be in each other’s lives. All the things I was looking for in a mother and needing all my life, I have found in my Mama Bear. Not only that but I am accepted in the whole family as her daughter and that sense of belonging and being loved means everything to me. I am so honored and privileged to be part of such a great family and I am even more blessed to have such a truly wonderful mother …

PolarB ;)