I was reading an article in our local paper and it impressed upon my mind so much that I thought I would share it with you. I know it is long and believe me, I cut it down as much as I could but you will get the jist of it....feel free to share your thoughts.....
Emotional Rescue
It’s more than rudeness but less than a crime. Therapists are increasingly tracking the harm done, often by loved ones, Words it seems can’t hurt the body but it can kill the spirit.
There is a kind of violence that doesn’t involve physical pain- a type of abuse that doesn’t involve touching at all. Some call it emotional abuse, or emotional violence. Dr Gary calls it soul murder. It can be every bit as devastating to a person’s well being as domestic violence or sexual abuse. The most common weapon is words but emotional abuse can take on many forms.
There was a woman whose abuser never physically hit her but he did a lot of stuff to humiliate her, call her names, and a lot of bad stuff. He knew that the only thing she had left of her grandmother was her china. This woman really loved her grandmother, and cherished the china; it had so much sentimental value to her. He broke every single piece of the china intentionally- no accident… That is a form of extreme emotional abuse.
Less extreme forms are more common-Example a little boy looks for and finds hidden Christmas presents and gets caught. His mother tells him he is a bad boy. This is an attack on the child’s sense of self. The child is not bad, he is curious. To squash enthusiasm and to attack the essence of the child is a form of soul murder. If this parent thinks peeking at a gift is bad, they need to put things in perspective.
Feedback that is constructive is one thing; however, criticism is a form of emotional abuse, especially when it is relentless, intentional, and done with the intention of hurting the feelings of another. Emotional abuse- like all other abuse is a misuse of power.
The definition when you are talking about abuse in any form is the abuse that happens when one person in the relationship attempts to gain power, control and domination over another person by using a wide variety of tactics.
Emotional abuse can happen between parents and children, between spouses, managers and employees, and partners and even best friends. Stalking is a good example which is an extreme case of emotional abuse.
Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you…. How many times have we heard that? Unfortunately it is absolutely completely wrong. Words can do as much harm to break a person’s spirit. Emotional abuse is characterized by a pattern of behavior that occurs over time and erodes a person’s self worth, self confidence and self esteem, leaving them to feel worthless.
Example- a male spouse can be so effective at tearing down his female partner’s self structure that he will never have to lay a hand on her to keep her under his control. He will leave her feeling incompetent, so that she’ll believe she doesn’t have the intelligence or the skills she needs to break free or survive on her own. She becomes so damaged that she believes him more than she believes her own perceptions. Her spirit has become squashed out of her. She is depressed as a result of the emotional abuse. She feels hopeless, has low self esteem and feels inadequate.
If I go home tonight and I get into an argument with my spouse and I say-“You’re a jerk or you are an asshole” does that mean I am an abuser? – No- because we are all human and I don’t care how perfect you try to be and how nonviolent you work on having the healthiest relationship you know how to have. We are all going to say unkind things sometimes, however we take responsibility for it and we make a concerted effort to never do it again.
Abusers on the other hand, don’t take responsibility and they don’t try to stop the behavior. As a matter of fact, they continue and create a pattern of abuse… When you are talking about abuse, you are talking about a pattern of behavior that chip away at another person’s self worth. There is a lack of respect for the other person’s emotional, spiritual, and physical well being.
Some families appear respected, close, secure, and loving in the world outside the home, but take a step inside and it can reveal the presence of insults, blame, ridicule, lies and humiliation… In such families, members are coerced by the “silent treatment”, threats, intimidation, and bullying, all powerful but not invisible weapons of psychological attack that inflict deep and lasting wounds. The weapons vary. What may be abusive to one person may not be to another. They might be as overt as name calling or as covert as hypercriticism.
Children seem to be the most vulnerable to be affected. Intentional emotional abuse means that you’ve got a cruel, wicked, cold, harsh, punitive, angry, criticizing parent who is out to emotionally beat up the child. Or you may have the non- intentional parent who is unaware they are even doing it. In studies, social workers come in and see that a parent screaming at the child or name calling of the child is very damaging emotionally. They may see the child cower down when the mother or father screams at the child. The parents are seeing that as –“I am disciplining my child” and they may not realize what they are doing is emotional abuse.
What about criticism? Everybody needs feedback sometimes about how to improve or do something better. But when you begin to criticize, you begin to dampen the spirit of the other person. So what are you trying to really do? Do you want to be critical and point out the negative kinds of things because there is something about that person you want to squash? Or are you trying to use feedback to point out strengths and areas of improvement- They are two very different things.
The scars from emotional abuse are more difficult to see and as a result of that abuse, it can be difficult to determine because you are dealing with things that have to do with self esteem, self worth and these can be very intangible abstract concepts. Unfortunately emotional maltreatment is the gift that keeps on giving.
If you tell a 5 year old child who spills his milk,” What’s wrong with you? Why are you so stupid?” those kinds of messages get internalized and the child begins to feel later on in life, “I’m stupid, what’s wrong with me?” It’s described as soul murder. The brain responds to negative words and reactions, so harsh words will wear away at a person. You see 10 and 11 year olds who have been abused all these years and they are so angry. Trying to turn that around is also very difficult and sometimes not possible if they continue to stay in that environment where it is a daily life of yelling, screaming, cussing and spitting at each other constantly.
It is easier to identify in children, but what about in adults? Often manipulation and control are used and a common result is that the victim blames herself. It’s called “identification with the aggressor” One way of dealing with emotional abuse is you internalize what the other person is saying and in a sense you are protecting them,
If they say,”You’re too sensitive.” You say “I really am too sensitive. It really is my fault, maybe if I’d done this, or maybe if I didn’t complain, he would not get so angry with me.”
You’ve identified with the thinking error of the person who is intimidating you. You are programmed to believe a falsehood, so you blame yourself and that’s a core element of any type of abuse. That you identify with the aggressor. A victim will second guess her natural instincts. She may say to herself,” What is wrong with me that I can’t take it?”
They begin to feel like they deserve it, they feel like it’s their fault.
The onset of emotional abuse in adult relationships is usually gradual. We don’t get into relationships knowingly with people who abuse us. If you go out on a date with someone who says “You fuckng bitch, you look like a cow today.” What are you going to do? You are going to run like hell away from that person. That’s not how it happens. Usually, by the time woman experiences violence, she’s already emotionally invested in the relationship.
So what happens the first time he calls her a bitch or smacks her? She’s shocked. What happens? She’ll try to reestablish the relationship on a nonviolent basis or by changing her own behavior. Maybe she works more, or works less, tries to keep the kids quiet, doesn’t spend time with her friends or family. It could be any number of things/ Over time she will recognize that it doesn’t matter what she does or doesn’t do- she can’t stop the violence whether it’s emotional, physical, or both. She can’t make it any different.
A key question in determining what is abusive is what is a person’s internal experience of something that was said to them? If the comment make you feel inadequate then their comments were not helpful to you and emotionally, damage was done. Feelings or reactions elicited by a comment or behavior are also good indicators. For a person who may be abusing another person but not even aware of it, there is a saying- “You want to level with the person, not level the person.”
A cycle of emotional abuse can be broken. Sometimes because it is a learned behavior, it is something you pick up. It’s not a given that you are going to do it, but it’s something you have to work at to be careful what you say and how you say it. The ultimate resolution is the development of a healthy relationship.
The bottom line is that no one deserves to be abused. We all have a right to live safely in a healthy environment
Peace and light
PolarB ;)
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